You're Invited

From the outside, she looks mad at the world. She doesn't make this face on purpose, it just comes across that way because there's so much bitterness, sadness, and anger that's been building over a lifetime. Don't count on her speaking to you unless you make the first move. You see, she is so consumed with herself, she doesn't really care about what you have to say. She won't ask how you are because, to her, it doesn't really matter. If the conversation isn't about her, she's less than interested. It takes a while to get to know her. Few ever make it past the surface. I don't want to make excuses for her, but there are reasons she asks this way. They aren't excuses. They're simply reasons she has used to shut herself off from the outside world. You see, when you first meet her, she has to make a decision: let the wall down and allow you get to know the real her, or keep the wall up and maintain a shallow realtionship. Every now and then she will decide that you're worth her time. This girl is not fun to be around. She's very negative. She never smiles. She's not very happy, and you annoy her if you are. I'm really not sure how she has friends.

She's been building this wall she keeps up for years. Each brick laid comes from disappointment after diappointment. Loss after loss. Heartbreak after heartbreak. Don't be fooled. Her life has not been full of trials and hardships, that's why the wall is so transparent. It's like she doesn't even know it's there. She doesn't see it. She doesn't care about you and your life, but she doesn't know why. She knows there's a hardness, but she can't explain it. There aren't major life events that have put this wall in front of her. However, there have been people who have let her down and broken her heart.

That was her first mistake. Somewhere along the way, she started relying on other people for her joy, fulfillment in life, and contentment. She needed them as a crunch to help carry all the baggage she brings along. She put all her hope and trust in the relationships she built, and people let her down. People left, people disappointed her. They moved. They went back on their word or turned their backs on her. Each broken relationship leading to another brick being laid. The more people let her down, the less likely it became that she would let you in. So rather than getting to know people, she just worried about herself. She would be safe, consumed with her own little world. The more she shut people out, the less opportunities they would have to hurt her.

The problem she had was that she depended on people so much; when they were gone, she was left with nothing. When the people she relied on for happiness disappeared, she was left with sadness. When the people she relied on for joy went away, she was left with bitterness. When the people she relied on for contentment left her, she didn't know who she was.

I'm SO thankful that the girl I'm writing about is no longer me. I finally, after many years, realized that I'm putting my trust into the wrong things. I can't rely on people to be all of those things for me. They will let me down. People will leave, for whatever reason. People are mean and hateful. They will hurt my feelings. People will break my heart.

I'm so glad that there is a God who loves me more than anyone on this earth can. I can trust him. I can count on him. He will never leave me. He's faithful and constant. He is always there for me and he's not going anywhere. He can handle my baggage. He gives me joy. He gives me purpose in life. My fulfillment is found in him. He understands me and sees to my core. His love is greater than that of any I've experienced from people in my life. He gives me hope. He gives me joy. He gives me peace. He gives me strength. He is my rock to lean on. He's more than enough for me. He meets all of my needs.

He knocks down the wall I've worked so hard on. He gives me boldness and confidence. He gives me compassion and makes me selfless. When my instinct is to shut you out, he says "Remember, it's not about you. They may need someone to tell them hey, ask them how they are, or just flash a smile." He reminds me that he puts people in my life for a reason. Although I don't always want to, he compels me to invite you in. He assures me that it's okay to let down my guard because when you let me down, he is there to sustain me. So, you're invited. You're invited to get to know this girl (who, at times, is a mess). She's working hard at keeping her guard down and getting to know you. She doesn't want to miss out on any more blessings by shutting people out. 

I have tendencies to revert back to this old me. She's a diva. She can be fiesty. She's selfish and no fun to be around. When she shows up, I have to immediately shut her down and turn her off (Some of you are thinking "She has an alter-ego....kinda like Beyonce"......not quite. Others of you are concerned that I'm talking about myself in third person. I'm okay, really!) I'm thankful that Jesus is greater than my struggles and even when I give in to the fight, God still loves me. I'm thankful for his grace and his mercy. Without it, I know the person I'd be and I don't like her. My prayer for you, yes you reading this, is that you come to know this love, this forgiveness, this acceptance. God is good. He's not some mean being that wants to strike you with lightning. He formed and created you. He loved you before the creation of the world and he's waiting for you. He's waiting for you to stop trying to fix yourself and for you to bring the broken pieces of your life to him so that he can put you back together.