Baby girl had finally fallen asleep sometime between leaving the Dr.'s office and now. I wouldn't be able to go in, but I needed to eat and I would make it work somehow. I could drive and try to juggle the wheel and my food, but I figured I that since I'm a Mama now I should probably make a responsible decision and not attempt that. Oh, I know! I'll park in a parking space and eat.... quickly.
I pulled up to the drive thru, feeling like crap about my lunch choice. Did this place even pass their last health inspection? Who cares. I was hungry and I didn't have time to look for somewhere with a salad.
The sweet girl opened the window and asked "How are you doing?". She didn't know I was a new Mama, overwhelmed, stressed, and dealing with post-partum hormones, or trust me, she would not have asked. I held back tears and managed to get out an insincere "Fine". Poor thing. She had no clue. If I was to honestly answer that question I probably would've been there all day. And my baby would have to eat again soon.
She didn't have any idea that I barely made it out the door on time this morning. She didn't know that I only got to eat one piece of my half jellied toast for breakfast because my baby being clothed, warm, and ready to go was more important than my belly being full. She didn't know that I had just left the Dr.'s office, which was a nightmare in itself. She had no clue that my baby throwing up all over me before getting out of the Dr.'s office was just icing on the cake.
When I got into a parking spot I finally called my husband back. He attempted to reach me during the chaos earlier and I wasn't able to get to my phone. After leaving, I needed a few minutes to compose myself. If I were to call him back right then, I would've lost it for sure.
After telling him about her appointment, he asked what I was doing. I told him I just got some food and was eating it in a parking space. When I actually said it out loud I almost burst into tear. There I was; covered in throw up, eating fast food in a parking lot. This is my life now, I thought.
This time last year I would've had time to go eat wherever I wanted. I would've been able to go inside and sit down and take my time. I wouldn't have had to scarf down food because I was out of town and my baby was between feedings. I would've been able to run to Target like I was planning to do. I could've gone to any store I wanted, for that matter, and taken as much time as I wanted.
This time last year I was praying for a little baby. There was nothing I wanted more.
I'm so thankful that God blessed me with my little girl.
But, today was one of those days. There was nothing glamorous about it. It's been one you just do your best to get through and hope that tomorrow will be better. It's been one where I'm so thankful for a God who sees me. All of me. Tired, overwhelmed, doubting whether I'm doing a good job, feeling like I might scream if my baby doesn't stop screaming, getting to the end of this day and running below E, feeling like I've given all energy and effort away and having nothing left. He's there. He understands. He gives me rest and recharges me.
I know that it will get better because it has been better. Every day isn't like this and every day won't be like this.
But, today was a crap day. And I'm so ready for bed!
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