Urban Dictionary defines Pinterest as: a social networking site that allows you to figuratively "pin" pictures of your likes/interests in a simple, organized fashion
OR as I recently heard it (more accurately) described in a message by Steven Furtick:
A visually-driven social media platform strategically designed for non-stop, 24 hour a day, seven day a week reminders that your kids are not as well dressed as your neighbor's kids, your home is decorated like crap, the pictures you take on your own phone are comparatively artless, you did a terrible job planning your own wedding, and that you live a generally tedious, monotonous, painfully dull existence that is slowly draining the life out of you, unlike everyone else in your life whose lives are categorically awesome at all times.
It's true. Everything on Pinterest is picture perfect.
For example, Pinterest:
Reality:
There is a whole website dedicated to "Pinterest fails". I think this definitely makes the cut. As you see, there are no sticks in my "pops". That's because the Oreo broke every time I tried to put the stick in. Yes, I tried different techniques.
While making these "pops" I thought, this is my life right now. These horrible looking Oreos sitting on my counter are my reality and this picture-perfect-Pinterest picture I'm looking at is the image I'm portraying.
For those who don't know, I'm about 8 months pregnant. Being pregnant is something that I have wanted for a long time. You know those people who claim to love being pregnant so much? Yeah, I'm not one of those people. Let's just be honest... (guys who may be reading, for whatever reason, and think women "just shouldn't talk about some things", you might want to click the X in the top right corner. It's about to get "un-lady-like". And this is my blog, so I can pretty much say whatever I want! Don't say I didn't warn you) ... as I was saying-- from throwing up, to gas, constipation, occasional leaks of pee, having to pee all the time (when you haven't peed on yourself), along with swelling, aches, pains, and general discomfort, oh! I forgot strange cravings, feeling like you could eat the whole house, but not having enough space in your tummy because that little bundle is taking up all the room, and then heartburn/reflux that feels like lava could spill out of your mouth at any minute..... you're still reading?! Sorry, I'm supposed to be talking about all the wonderful things about being pregnant. I got a little off track! Those are just a few of the things I've experienced during this pregnancy (TMI as it may be, it's true. Sorry), not to mention all of the emotional changes that have been WAY worse than the physical changes, at least for me!
Honestly, being pregnant is not always an enjoyable thing, again, at least in my case. I can't explain how guilty I have felt for feeling this way while being pregnant. My husband and I prayed for this little baby for a long time before she finally came about (and don't think my sweet hubby hasn't had to remind me of that a few times throughout the pregnancy!).
Looking back on the past 30 weeks, I feel bad for not "enjoying" every second of it. I feel ungrateful. I feel selfish. Because I remember the longing to get pregnant and become a momma. I remember reading facebook statuses from girls who were pregnant and thinking, I don't care if I throw up every single day, I just want to be pregnant! And I know there are tons of women out there who feel that exact same way. You'd do anything just to create life and become a parent. To all of those women, I apologize. I said I would never take a day of being pregnant for granted, but I have. I said I would never complain, but I (definitely) have.
Aside from all of those things, I mostly feel like a fake (well at least for the past month or so). Because, if I'm being honest, it has not been all sunshine and rainbows. I know, I know. The cute selfies on instagram and all the sweet comments about how precious my bump is, the amazing maternity pictures my soon to be sis in law *eek!* took of us on the beach--adorable. I know! But around 24 weeks something changed. Up to this point, I guess you could say I had enjoyed being pregnant. I wasn't overly happy all the time, but I wasn't sad about it either. I was somewhere in the middle.
Around 24 weeks, everything changed. I turned into a crazy woman (yes, I was kind of crazy already). Blame it on hormones or whatever you want, but I did not feel like myself. That's really the best way I can describe it. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel the "glow" everyone talks about. I thought if one more person told me how cute, beautiful, or gorgeous I was, I might punch them in the face--not because I didn't agree or want to hear those things, but because the outside didn't match the inside. The inside was ugly. Very ugly. And I couldn't understand why. Again, I just didn't feel like myself. I cried. A lot. About anything (oh I sometimes still do!). And when I didn't cry about it, I felt like crying about it, but I just held it in (don't do this--it just makes things worse). I didn't want to talk to anyone about the pregnancy. I didn't want to talk about my bump or how Ava was doing. I didn't want to answer the question, "How are you feeling" because every time it was asked, I thought I might lose it and burst into tears. It didn't make sense! I was supposed to be happy! I was supposed to be loving life. Everything was supposed to be... perfect.
Do you want to know the truth? Not even 5 minutes after taking this picture, I was sobbing in my bathroom. In fact, I walked in the door after church with tears in my eyes, but remembered I needed to take a bump picture. So, I pushed the tears away for a few minutes, took this selfie and then went into my bathroom and cried. Why, you might ask? Well, that's the thing about being pregnant, you don't have to have a reason. I don't even know why I was crying. I guess I was just tired of not feeling like myself and I was tired of being tired. I just remember thinking about how fake that "smile" was in the picture I just took, which in turn made me cry more!
Let's take a look at some of my maternity pictures. They look so.... pinteresting, so picture perfect!
The truth? It was a million degrees outside and let's just say Adam and I did some pretending! Smiles that faded seconds after the camera clicked, looks of frustration that disappeared as soon as we were in place for the next picture, yeah I know. I'm sorry that I just busted the bubble of perfection that each picture portrays. It doesn't take away from the beauty of each picture, but he and I (along with Will and Carlie) will always know the truth behind those smiles! Sure, we look back on it even now and laugh at how silly it all was, but the perfection portrayed is simply fake. The happiness (at that exact moment)-fake. The smiles-fake. We did good, right?!
So, here I am with my Oreos. Frustrated because I can't make reality match the picture. So what do I do? What can I do? How can I make things better? Well, sadly, I can't. Adam can't. My mama can't. My friends can't. So, I do the only thing I know that's left to do (sadly, most times, when all else fails) I talk to God about it. I give myself a dose of perspective (then take another dose from a good friend). I remember how much of a blessing this process is and I think about the last month that I've wasted letting emotions, hormones, Satan, or whatever else overcome me and steal my joy. I give all the pieces of my mess to the One who can put them back together. I ask for forgiveness for forgetting about Him during this new season of life. Surely since he was with me through the storm, he wants to be with me on the mountain top, but somehow I had left him behind....not long after reading the word "Pregnant" on that test I took January 18th, I'm sure. It wasn't a deliberate choice. It was more like a slow transition, each day growing further apart.
I swore I wouldn't forget about his goodness and love. I wouldn't stop praising him once we were blessed with a baby. But, at some point, I did.
The truth is I still need Him just as much today, almost 30 weeks pregnant, as I did this time last year when I only dreamt about the day I'd be 30 weeks pregnant.
So, I apologize to everyone for the past couple of weeks. I apologize for portraying something that wasn't truly me.
I got upset about something last night and as tears fell down my face I looked at my phone and thought "Why don't I take a selfie right now and post it to IG with the hashtag 'truelife', 'reality', or something similar?!" And I almost did it.
I'm thankful that He takes my mess of Oreos and turns them into something Pinteresting, something perfect. In Him, I am a new creation. In Him, I have life abundantly.
I've found true joy again, so hopefully my pictures can portray more of a reality. I just forgot where it could be found in the haze of hormones there for a little while. True joy only comes from knowing Jesus. He is always there, even when life isn't Pinteresting!
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