I want to start by admitting that this title is not original (at all), but I saw it somewhere and thought it was perfect for where I'm at right now. If I'm completely honest with you, although I have no idea who you are, I have been very frustrated with life. I have been frustrated with God. I have not been content in all things. I have, however, been unsatisfied. I have been ungrateful. I think it's okay to come before God honestly and let him know how we truly feel about certain things. In case you forgot, he already knows your heart, so be fake if you want. You're only fooling yourself.
When I was in high school, Adam and I would talk about our lives, maybe getting married one day, where we'd like to live, where we thought we might work, etc. I'll admit, we did not guard our hearts very well because we even talked about baby names. Well, I mostly talked about that, he listened.
I just want to say that I don't blog about things I haven't shared with him (I told you, my brain is scattered tonight). And what I'm about to share has nothing to do with our marriage, well not directly. Anyways, the other day I told him, "When I thought about us at 23/24 (I'm older. He got a cougar.) this is not what I had planned." Am I happy with him? Of course. With our circumstances? Not completely. Some may read this and think, "What is she complaining about? They live in a decent house. They both drive decent cars. They both have jobs. They live comfortably. She sounds very spoiled and ungrateful." First, I would say to those people, you are right. I already admitted I have been ungrateful and yes, bratty. Second, I would say, things are not always what they appear. Often times people who seem to have it all together are the ones who feel like things are falling apart around them. I'm not saying we are those people, but I'm not saying we aren't. Just because we go to church, believe in God, and follow Christ does not mean our lives are a cake walk. We still experience failures, disappointments, sadness, anger, and the list goes on... Okay, off of that soap box and back to the original point of this post.
If you know me, you know I'm a planner. Honestly, I'm only just now realizing that not everyone makes lists for everything, color codes things in their planners, or even has a planner for that matter. I know, I'm shocked everyone isn't like me. If you know me, you're not shocked that I just said that.
Needless to say, before Adam and I were married, I had a five year plan. You may laugh, but I'm serious. By 22, ________ would happen. By 23, we would _________. I want __________ to happen by 24. And by 25, we will be _________. Let's just say, as I approach 25, things have not gone according to my plan. I've thought, God, where are you? You're supposed to make these things happen. I'm tapping my watch, looking up, saying, "You're late!" Don't you know __________ was supposed to happen by __________??? We were supposed to be __________. What are you trying to do, mess up my plan? Some of you may be thinking, "Oh she's talking about ______." No, I'm really not. I am talking about many different things that just have not gone like I wanted them to. Life is messy and complicated and I'm so thankful for my God that guides me through it and my husband who supports and encourages me in every step of our journey.
Lately, I have been so caught up in my circumstances and the fact that things aren't going according to plan. For a planner, this is aggravating. For all you go with the flow people, I don't see how you do it. So, yes, I have been aggravated and I may go so far as to say angry with God. It doesn't matter about what- things that I have no control over-things that I can't change.
Have you ever sat through a church service and felt like everyone else could leave because you were sure the message was just for you? Well, I'm sure others needed it too, but this morning was one of those mornings for me. I love Pastor Jeff. He's a simple kind of guy. He usually has one main point in his sermons. Sometimes he gets a little crazy and gives two. I mean, really, if we actually took the (one) point made in a sermon, we could probably spend a while trying to live it out in our lives. So, I'm thankful he doesn't give me too much to chew on during the week! This morning, he reminded
Jeff gently reminded me through my storm, which may seem trivial to most, God is teaching me to have full confidence in Him. Sometimes life and this Christian walk isn't fair. Oh em gee. Was he a fly on the wall in my house the other day? Because I just said, through tears, to Adam: "It's not fair that ____________________."
"What if the work God is doing through the circumstances is to help build your faith so that you're totally confident in Him the next time a situation arises that requires your faith to be strong?" Hashtag, things that are hard to hear........... because then you are forced to reason with why things are/aren't happening your life. I know God is building my faith in Him through this season of life. I don't like to admit that, for whatever reason. Of course, I think my faith is strong, it doesn't need to grow any. When I'm honest, I know that's not true. It's like Jeff said, we all want this strong faith that can move mountains and not be shaken, but we don't want to go through and experience what it takes to grow into that kind of faith. This kind of faith "doesn't come from years of bible studies". Sometimes this kind of faith is a choice. Not just a one time choice, but a choice that has to be made weekly, daily, hourly, every moment we are breathing. We have to choose to believe God will take care of us. We have to choose to have faith that says, "When you give and even when you take away, my heart will choose to say, 'Blessed be Your name'. " We have to choose to trust that God knows what He's doing. We have to choose to follow Him and believe His word is real in our lives even when things aren't going our way.
By the end of the sermon, I was in tears, so overwhelmed. The last song we sang couldn't have been more perfect. I prefer Matt Maher's version and I've had it on my iPod for a while now. It has been one of the many songs I meditate on and keep in my head. "Without you I fall apart.[..] Lord, I need you. [..] Every hour I need you."
To wrap up all this babbling, as much as I don't want to make sense of any of my "mess", I know that God is growing my faith through this time. Yes, there will be and have been days where I don't think I can keep patiently seeking God and waiting for Him to make sense of it all. There will be days when I feel emotionally drained and too overwhelmed with all that goes on in this crazy head to function. But, in those moments, I hear God say, "You don't have to carry all of this. You don't have to figure it all out. Just rest in me. Wait on me. Keep looking to me and I am going to take care of you because you are my daughter. You may not understand your circumstances, but I am working it all out, so just trust in Me to do what is best for you. I'm not missing anything. I'm not late. You're just early. You're not ready yet. It's not time. So just wait. When these things come together in life, it'll be right on time. You wait and see."
Until the time when those things make sense, I will continue to rest and put full confidence in Him...
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