This was a post I wrote on December 29th, but never posted. I did not know that I was pregnant at the time.
When I think back over the past year, there's so much I could share. There have been many struggles and victories, tears and laughter, days where I didn't know if I'd make it through and days where I felt like I could conquer the world.
I have never fought as hard to believe God's word as I have this past year. There were days where I had to fight to believe His promises. There were days where I had to fight to believe His grace was enough because, honestly, I didn't always 'feel' like it was. There were days where I didn't know how much longer I could keep fighting to believe the things that I didn't feel to be true. And there were days where I was tired of fighting, so I just rested. I rested in His arms and let Him a carry me. He was faithful every time. There were days where I felt like I was all alone in this fight, like no one could possibly understand how I feel, but God reminded me every time that he was right there with me. The times I couldn't feel Him near was when he was the closest.
Before this year, I did not truly know what it means to fight for faith. But as I go into 2014, I am much closer to a God who adores me. I know what it means to have faith because God has grown my faith tremendously over the past year. I have gained perspective on many different things. I have learned (and am still learning) what it means to wait on God and to trust Him even when He doesn't give me what I want when I want it. I've realized that God may never give me some of the things I pray for, but I have decided that I will praise Him anyway. I'm learning that His ways are not my ways and I can't always understand the 'whys' of life.
The truth is that Adam and I spent 2013 trying for a baby. As of December 29th God has still not blessed us in that way. There have been days where I've struggled with the reality of that. Some days I bless His name and others I cry out in anger and frustration. Again, some days I think I can conquer whatever comes my way and other days the smallest things make me feel defeated. I don't share this with you so that you will feel sorry for me or ask me how I'm doing every time you see me. I don't share this to give you something to add to your list of small town gossip. The only reason I'm sharing this is to show you, all of you, that I serve a great big God. He is good and that is the answer to all my 'whys'. No, it doesn't make sense to me, but I don't have to understand it all, because He is good. His love is enough. His grace is enough. And on the days where I don't feel like those things are true, I declare them to be true. I claim that they are true and I choose to believe that they are true. "Doubt is an emotion. Belief is a choice." (Angie Smith)
My circumstances do not define who God is and even if he doesn't bless us with a child, we cannot deny that he has blessed us in other ways. We have so much to be thankful for. I've learned that this is the secret to being content in all circumstances. When I reflect on all that God has given me and done for me, I can't help but feel blessed.
2013 has been a year of faith, trust, and learning what it means to fully depend on God. The well-known lyrics of "Oceans" have been my prayer many days this year. I have learned what it means to depend on God for many different things. I've learned what it means to need to the Lord- not just say that I need Him, but actually, really NEED Him.
As we welcome 2014, I would be lying if I said I'm not a little fearful. Of course, I wonder if I will have to endure another year like this one, but God didn't fail me in 2013 and I don't believe He will in 2014. In fact, I told a good friend the other day: It scares me a little to think of what this next year may bring, but I'm trying to rest in the fact that it's in God's hands. I know he will take care of us because he is faithful. However this works out is for my good and I choose to believe that.
I don't know what this next year will hold. Maybe God will see it fit to bless us with a baby, maybe he won't. "The most important aspect of all of this is to know what God's calling is in (my) life, and understand who I am in Christ, not what I hoped I would be." I hope to one day be a mommy, maybe not even to children that I conceive, but despite whether or not this ever happens, I will always be a daughter of God. I am His and that is where I will always find my identity.
As fearful as I may be at times, I'm ready for 2014 because I know God's not done with me yet.
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