Being A Worrier

I've always been a worrier. The things that I worry about are almost always things I have no control over. When I was younger, and sometimes still, my heart would flutter and feel like it was skipping. At times, I had myself convinced that it would just stop beating and that I would die. At one point, many years ago, I even saw a doctor and had an EKG done. I know, you're thinking I'm crazy, but at the time, it seemed like a legitimate fear and sometimes it still causes me anxiety (which in turn causes more heart "palpitations").

I have gone through times where every little 'symptom' led to a life-threatening (self) diagnosis. Those random headaches may be followed by an aneurysm or could be signs of a tumor. Abdominal pain must mean that something needs to be removed. Small nodules might be cancerous.

I have (somewhat) grown out of the stage where I stress over every little headache or stomach ache, but every now and then those thoughts creep back up on me.

Just because I don't worry about those same things doesn't mean I don't worry at all. I do my best to just live life and trust that God will get me through whatever comes, but sometimes that is easier said than done.

My pregnancy for example. After finally getting pregnant, the initial excitement wore off a little and worry started to creep in. What if there was no heartbeat at our first visit to the doctor? What if we heard the heartbeat the first time but then didn't the second time? I wonder if that cramping is normal. What if I woke up one morning with blood everywhere? I won't lie. Every trip to the bathroom was a reminder of this fear. Always checking for the slightest sign of spotting. And each time I was so worried that this fear may become a reality.

Anxiety started to take over and for the first five to ten weeks I was almost convinced that I would miscarry. Well, I wouldn't have been surprised if I did (I know, a poor example of living by faith). I think part of me didn't want to get my hopes up. I justify this lack of faith by calling it "being a realist". For the longest time I didn't want to let myself believe that I may actually deliver this baby. I thought something would more than likely go wrong, and sometimes those thoughts still run through my mind.

After 12 weeks, which isn't a magic number, I breathed a sigh of relief that so far, I had no signs of miscarriage.

Next comes the mid-pregnancy worry. The "big" ultrasound where they check to make sure everything is looking good with baby. Some couples receive good news and others are faced with difficult news. We go tomorrow for our 20-week ultrasound! Surprisingly I haven't worried much about this one. I'm actually super excited!!!

I have worried about "kick counts" before I even felt her moving around. Meaning I worried about the future when I will count kicks. What if one day I don't feel her as much or at all?

I haven't worried much since 13-14 weeks, but today a new fear struck me. That of stillbirth (which can occur up to a woman's delivery).

Today this fear just overwhelmed me. I was brought to tears. I haven't had this much anxiety since early on in the pregnancy when I worried about miscarrying. It was like the beginning of my pregnancy all over again. Just like I did then, I had to remind myself of a few things:

There will always be something to worry about, if I choose to do so.

Even if I only worry about Ava, there will always be something.

I will could worry about her health and safety during delivery.

I will could worry about SIDS when she's a newborn.

I will could worry about her sleeping in her crib.

I will could worry when I leave her with other people.

I will could worry when she becomes more independent (crawling, walking, riding a bike)

I will could worry on her first day of school.

I will could worry when she starts to drive.

I could go on and go and I'm sure there's lots to worry about in between all that I've listed, but I can't control any of these things.

I went back and struck out all the "will"s to "could"s. It was actually very freeing to do this simple thing. It's a reminder that worrying is a choice. And it will consume you if you allow it to.

Maybe you worry about something different. Maybe you're like me and are easily worried. Or maybe you are more of the "I know I can't control it, so I don't worry" type. All of us worriers are jealous of you!

Here are a few more things I reminded myself of today. Of course if you are a person of faith, these will hit home with you:

God is the creator of life. "I have knit Ava. I am forming her. I have ordained each of her days." 

There is nothing that surprises God. "For I know the plans I have for Ava.."

God is good. Always.

He is with me. Always.

I can choose to worry. Or I can choose to trust that He will carry me through each day, no matter what it brings.

I have to remind myself of these things daily and sometimes hourly in order to keep from going crazy. As if worrying will somehow stop any of my fears from happening.

So, today, in my anxiety and fear, I am reminded of my lack of faith. I am reminded of my need for Jesus. And I am so thankful for all that He means to me. Without him, I would fall apart. When I try to live without him, I do fall apart! So, whatever it is you've been worrying about, first take it to God in prayer. And try to leave it with him. It may be difficult at first, but the more you pray about it and try to intentionally refocus your thoughts, the easier it will become (I didn't say how long this may take!) I know this works because I have done it before with other worries of mine. And now I have another one to practice with!

On a much less spiritual note: Google is not your friend. Whether you are pregnant or not, do not Google strange 'symptoms'. Before you know it, you will be self-diagnosing and worrying even more.

I hope you seek out the only one who is able to give peace that passes all understanding. He is the only answer I can give to help you with your worry!