The Girls I'm Jealous Of...

"How's that?! Being a mama?" Oh if she only knew... Girl, you'd be rinsing and shampooing my hair for days if I fully unloaded that question with you. So, instead I just say, "It has been a big adjustment. It was really hard at first, but it has gotten easier." She rinses the color from my hair and I tell her that becoming a mama has made me feel old. I try to explain that while I am still young I don't feel young anymore. I don't expect her to understand what I mean. She tries to convince me that I am still young. I go on to tell her about how I drove through the dorms the other day while college kids were moving in..........and I was taking my baby to the park.
Yeah, I'm a mom now.

Sometimes I'm envious of them; the college girls in the store picking out decorations for their dorms while I wrestle a fussy baby in the cart; running on the sidewalk in their zone while I listen to a baby scream in the back seat, eating out with friends while I wipe pureed peas off my arm, listening to them talk about their plans for later on while I change a poopy diaper in the bathroom stall, the girl who rinsed and washed my hair leaving work to go do whatever she wants tonight while I go home and put my baby to bed and then do the same myself. Oh to be young and carefree again, I think.

I leave my hair appointment and drive home. I'm alone in the car and I find myself turning up the radio and singing along to a simple song, soaking in the 15 minutes before I have to be "Mama" again. I drive and sing and in those moments I'm carefree. And it feels good. It feels easy and light. I feel like me, well, the old me. I remember that girl and I'm reminded that she's still there.

Tonight as I rock my baby to sleep, she wraps her arms around my neck. She squeezes me tight and her tiny fingers run through my hair. She lays her head on my shoulder and I sway with her in my arms. And in that moment, I realize that those college girls, the ones I'm sometimes envious of, the carefree girl at the hair salon, they just don't know any better. They haven't experienced this kind of love yet. In a way, they don't know what they're missing. But it's okay, because their time will come.

I want to stop them, grab them by the shoulders and tell them to enjoy their days of being carefree; that one day they will look at girls just like themselves and be jealous, but to not worry because they'll also come to realize we're the lucky ones. Yes, if they knew better, they would envy me.

Having a baby has taught me that I'm stronger than I thought; that I do have the ability to put someone else before myself; that I can love so fiercely and greater than I knew was possible. I'm so proud that Ava is mine. She can't even do much, but I look at her and I'm proud. I'm proud to be a mama; her mama. You just can't understand the gravity and the weight that comes with that role, until you're put in it. But, when the time is right, they will. They'll learn that this new self is just a better version of who they were before. Life has a different meaning now, your perspective changes and you live life differently.

I hold my baby and rock her and in those moments I realize that being her mama is far greater than anything else I have given up.