Untitled

This weekend made the 3rd year Adam and I have gone to the mountains in north Georgia. We've been to "other mountains" throughout the years, but these mountains.... they hold a special place in my heart.

I've waited to post pictures from our trip because I haven't had the words to say what I'd like to say to caption those pictures. I'm still not sure exactly how to put what I'm feeling into words. How do you express how overwhelmed and thankful you are? How do you put into words the feeling of living out your prayers?

The first year Adam and I took this trip, we kind of just went, randomly. We'd been married for two years at this point. We didn't know what we'd do when we got up there; we just rented a cabin and went. The first morning, we went to eat breakfast in town. Someone told us about a huge festival that happened to be that same weekend. We didn't have any plans, so we thought we'd go check it out. (Well, I probably begged and Adam agreed to go). I wish I'd gotten our picture that year, but I don't think I did. Anyways, it was a good trip. We didn't know it at the time, but only two weeks later we'd decide to start trying to get pregnant.

We enjoyed our trip so much that we decided to go back the following year. We'd been married for three years. This year was a little different from the last. I was now taking hormones to help us get pregnant since our attempts had been unsuccessful. At this point, I was completely frustrated with the whole process. It had only been a year, but it seemed like ten. I even took tests up there with us because it would "be time" for me to check. We went to the same festival we'd gone to the previous year and had a great time, but there was a part of me that ached every time a pregnant belly walked by or every time we saw a booth selling cute stuff for babies and kids. 

We visited one vendor that sold hand stamped jewelry. Adam bought me a necklace from them that has been very special to me ever since. I picked out each piece and had it customized: a charm with our initials along with the phrase "love story", our anniversary date on one of them, a heart stamped on another. We walked away from that tent with my new necklace hanging around my neck and I looked at Adam and said, "I hope one day we can add our baby's name to this necklace."

There was another tent that I specifically remember. They sold hand painted, wooden crafts for kids' rooms. I, obviously, did not have a baby, but I walked through anyways. I looked at the door hangers with hand painted names and the wooden bow holders. I thought to myself, "I hope...pray that one day I can come back and buy something for my baby from this tent!" We went back to the cabin that day and sat by the river. I journaled, trying to get all of my feelings out on to paper-the sadness, the anger and frustration. On the last day of our trip, I got up early that morning, eager to take a test. I was devastated; another negative. I didn't know it at the time, but I'd only have a few more months of waiting. We got pregnant with Ava towards the end of that December.

Fast forward TWO years, to this year, because what hormonally unstable, first time mama can take her not even one month old on an overnight trip?!?! (we skipped last year!) This past weekend, we took our baby girl up to the same place, we packed three times as much stuff, we took her to that same festival and we had a blast. The first day we took her to a huge pumpkin patch, went on a hay ride and picked out our pumpkins! It was so much fun and Ava loved it!






























The next day, we went to the huge festival! It was so surreal to be walking around that same festival two years later with a baby in a stroller. It was there, two years ago, that I was begging God for a

baby (and had been for almost a year at the time). The thing I was most excited about was adding Ava's name and birthday to my necklace. We started down the rows of tents and went back and forth, looking at each of them. The jewelry girls weren't set up in the same place they were two years ago. In fact, they weren't out in the open with majority of the vendors, so Adam and I assumed they hadn't come this year. We made our way to look at the tents under the covered area and I was so surprised to see their booth! I picked out two charms--one for Ava's name and one for her birthday and had them added to my necklace. I treasured it before, but it's even more special now. We walked over to more

tents and I was shocked that the same vendor was there selling hand painted wooden crafts for kids' rooms. I just can't even explain how crazy it felt to be in the same place looking at the same things, but with different circumstance. God heard my cries. He answered my prayers. He gave us one of the greatest gifts. Every time I put her to sleep or got her up from a nap or saw her playing in the floor in the cabin, I just thanked God for His blessing.


I thanked him for hearing me. I thanked him for being so gracious to me. I picked out a bow holder from that tent to hang in Ava's room. It will not only serve the purpose of holding her bows, but it's also a reminder to me of God's faithfulness, his goodness, his love, his grace. He held me and walked with me through what has been one of the hardest times of my life.

We made our way home today and I watched Ava sleep. And I just kept saying, "Thank you, God. Thank you." You didn't have to answer my prayer. You didn't have to bless us with a child. I could've waited longer than I did. I'm just so thankful and grateful for my baby girl and God teaches me more about his love for me through my love for her.

The Girls I'm Jealous Of...

"How's that?! Being a mama?" Oh if she only knew... Girl, you'd be rinsing and shampooing my hair for days if I fully unloaded that question with you. So, instead I just say, "It has been a big adjustment. It was really hard at first, but it has gotten easier." She rinses the color from my hair and I tell her that becoming a mama has made me feel old. I try to explain that while I am still young I don't feel young anymore. I don't expect her to understand what I mean. She tries to convince me that I am still young. I go on to tell her about how I drove through the dorms the other day while college kids were moving in..........and I was taking my baby to the park.
Yeah, I'm a mom now.

Sometimes I'm envious of them; the college girls in the store picking out decorations for their dorms while I wrestle a fussy baby in the cart; running on the sidewalk in their zone while I listen to a baby scream in the back seat, eating out with friends while I wipe pureed peas off my arm, listening to them talk about their plans for later on while I change a poopy diaper in the bathroom stall, the girl who rinsed and washed my hair leaving work to go do whatever she wants tonight while I go home and put my baby to bed and then do the same myself. Oh to be young and carefree again, I think.

I leave my hair appointment and drive home. I'm alone in the car and I find myself turning up the radio and singing along to a simple song, soaking in the 15 minutes before I have to be "Mama" again. I drive and sing and in those moments I'm carefree. And it feels good. It feels easy and light. I feel like me, well, the old me. I remember that girl and I'm reminded that she's still there.

Tonight as I rock my baby to sleep, she wraps her arms around my neck. She squeezes me tight and her tiny fingers run through my hair. She lays her head on my shoulder and I sway with her in my arms. And in that moment, I realize that those college girls, the ones I'm sometimes envious of, the carefree girl at the hair salon, they just don't know any better. They haven't experienced this kind of love yet. In a way, they don't know what they're missing. But it's okay, because their time will come.

I want to stop them, grab them by the shoulders and tell them to enjoy their days of being carefree; that one day they will look at girls just like themselves and be jealous, but to not worry because they'll also come to realize we're the lucky ones. Yes, if they knew better, they would envy me.

Having a baby has taught me that I'm stronger than I thought; that I do have the ability to put someone else before myself; that I can love so fiercely and greater than I knew was possible. I'm so proud that Ava is mine. She can't even do much, but I look at her and I'm proud. I'm proud to be a mama; her mama. You just can't understand the gravity and the weight that comes with that role, until you're put in it. But, when the time is right, they will. They'll learn that this new self is just a better version of who they were before. Life has a different meaning now, your perspective changes and you live life differently.

I hold my baby and rock her and in those moments I realize that being her mama is far greater than anything else I have given up.