Redefining Christmas

A while back Adam and I talked about what we wanted to give each other for Christmas this year. One gift? Two? Spend a certain amount each? Somewhere in the discussion the radical idea was thrown out there: What if we just pay it forward this Christmas? What if we give to others rather than ourselves? What if we do things that are out of our comfort zone and may seem strange to some? What if, this year, we redefine Christmas?

Weirdos. For sure.

Well, that's exactly what we've done. Whether we've bought the people's food behind us in the drive thru, given gifts (more like essentials) to a family that is special to us from a local neighborhood, given a bigger tip than usual, or just given money away to complete strangers, the point was to give to others instead of ourselves-not because funds are low, not to be able to tell everyone what we've done, not to feel better about ourselves, but to simply give to others. Yes, there are things out there we could have bought each other, but really, do we need any more stuff? Are there things we want? Sure. Are there things we need? No, not really. All of the basics are covered for us and we're thankful for that.

So tomorrow morning we will sleep in a little later. We will still get up with the same excitement, but I'm sure it will be different. At least, I hope it will be. After all, the tree is bare underneath- no presents stacked all around. There will be no gifts exchanged between the two of us, but at the risk of sounding extremely chee-say, we both have the greatest gift we could ask for. Thank God we have a Savior; a relationship with Jesus; the most important gift we could have ever been given. We will be reflecting on that gift as we celebrate Christmas this year. That gift is available for you too. You don't have to earn it. You don't have to work for it. You don't have to be special to get it. Maybe you will exchange gifts with your family-awesome! But think about accepting this gift of salvation. Jesus is waiting for you. As we celebrate his birth, will you accept what He was born to do? He was born, lived without sin, and died on a cross for all of our mistakes and short-comings. He died to make a way for us to stand before God spotless and blameless.

We sang a song Sunday morning and the (pre)chorus is so, so sweet. It has stuck with me all week.

Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so

He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

This is what Christmas is really all about: God's great love for us
Love that sent his only son to earth
Love that was humble in coming into the world through the least glamorous way possible
Love that hung on a cross to pay for my mistakes and wrong-doings; for all the ways I fall short
Love that restores a broken relationship between God and people
Love that has defeated the grave
Love that gives hope when the storms rage
Love that shines when darkness tries to take over
Love that never fails us
Love that never gives up on us
Love that never changes its mind
Love that never lets go
Love that never runs out
Love that meets us where we are
Love that fights for us
Love that protects us
Love that always prevails
Love that is deep and wide
Love that is immeasurable
Love that is incomprehensible
Love that is constant
Love that is unchanging
Love that is selfless
Love that is unconditional
Love that is indescribable
Love that remains

Yes, God sent Jesus to earth; born into the world a miracle. Yes, we celebrate His birth during this season, but what's also amazing and worth celebrating is God's great love for us. If you actually read and reflect on the list above, it's amazing. I don't know anyone that loves me in all the ways listed above. My parents don't love me this way. My own husband doesn't love me this way. This love is a special kind that God has for his children.

There is nothing like the love of God.
Do you know this love?
Have you encountered this love?
When you do, you will never be the same after. You will be changed, different than before.
I encourage you to learn more about this great love. Ask someone about it and what it can mean for you.
For those who know what it is to experience this love, may we reflect on it, especially during this time.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and are full of thankfulness!

If You Want Me To

I grew up (from youth age on) singing "specials" in church. If you're confused, this just means someone gets up and sings a song and hopefully it's a blessing to someone. Well, before I was on 'praise team', I would sing specials on Sunday morning or Sunday evenings in the church I grew up in. I've sung many different things, but one song has always been my favorite. It's called If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens. Some of you may have heard it before. It's fairly old. I sang it as a young teenage girl and it's meaning was completely different to me back then.

A couple weeks ago, a special friend of mine asked me to sing a song at a banquet celebrating her being nominated for teacher of the year. She asked me to sing this song, If You Want Me To. Since I had sung it many times before, I put off going over it until the days before the banquet (yesterday and today). 

As I sit down and sing through this song, I cannot help but reflect on the words of it.

"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to"

Wow. How relevant to my life right now. Lord, I don't know which way to turn. I don't know what to do with life. There are some paths that I can't navigate on my own. I don't know why I'm at this place in life. I don't know the reason for this season. But, just because You love me. I will walk through this valley if that's what you call me through. I know that You are with me every step of the way. You will guide my path. You make my steps secure.

"So if all of these trials bring me closer to You

Then I will go through the fire if You want me to"

God if the trials are what bring me closer to You, then that's where I want to be. 

"It may not be the way I would have chosen

When You lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone"

This definitely is not the way I would have chosen. But I know as I walk through life here on earth that this is not my home. You never promised me this walk with You would be easy, but you did promise that I would never be alone.

"So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through

And I will go through the valley if You want me to"

There have been times when I've felt like no one here understands or sees what I've gone through. There have been times when I've poured out my heart before God and felt like he hasn't heard, much less answered my cries and prayers. But I know that my suffering in life grows me closer to the Lord, that I might know Him in his suffering. 

It was true in my life as a 15 year old girl; it's true in my life now, as an almost 25 year old woman; and I intend on it being true in my life until I leave this world; I trust in the Lord. I trust in His unfailing love. I trust in Him to provide for me. I trust in Him to work all things out for my good. And I trust that He will walk with me through any valley this life may bring.

No Excuses

Adam wore a shirt with this saying on it when I ran my first half marathon. It was very fitting at the time and I find it relevant again in my life right now.

Back in August, I started back at the gym regularly. It's easier for me to be consistent with my exercising when I have a consistent schedule (excuse #1). But really. It is! Anyways, I got back into my gym routine hoping to tone up a little. I got over the fact that I will never be a double 0 yearrrssss ago, because-let's face it-these hips don't lie. So, I resolved to work with what my mama gave me (thanks Mama).

I have a bunch of pictures put together as a collage that I sometimes let sit on my bathroom mirror as motivation. Some are actual pictures of fit girls and others are motivational saying. The past 2-3 weeks I have slacked off...... as in not gone to the gym at all and eaten like crap (transparent moment). Towards the end of last week I decided to get back at it. There's this class at the gym that has got to be from the devil because it's just awful. Most times I can't walk in the days after. Tuesday afternoon I took that class, Body Pump, and wasn't 100% motivated to be there or work hard. It was probably during my 1,369th squat, when I could no longer feel my legs burning, that I realized something....
I have this image in my mind of what I want my body to look like-don't worry, it's realistic. I scroll through Pinterest and overload my Fitness Board with workouts and quotes to help me reach my fitness goals. I think about the idea a lot more than I actually try to make it a reality. And so it hit me- I want these things, but am I ready/willing to put in the work it takes to make it a reality? Just because I pin pictures of girls with tight booties and six packs doesn't mean my body will magically look like theirs. I can pin all the motivational quotes I want to, but they aren't going to drive me to the gym and make me sweat.

Some days I give it 110% and other days I'm doing good to get myself from work to home and stay awake past 7:00. (excuses # 2 and 3) I'm not (always) willing to make sacrifices at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'm not (always) willing to drive myself to the gym and work out. I'm not (always) willing to put in the work it would take to meet my goal.
I'm getting to the point where I just want to take it day by day and attempt to make good choices to get the results I want. I know I will fail and make mistakes. There will be days when I eat something I probably shouldn't and more of it than I probably should, but I won't completely give up. Just like this 2-3 week falling out. I'm not going to let it turn into a 2-3 month detour. I have resolved to get back at it and do my best each day.
Tonight I went to the gym at 6:30, which is usually late (excuse #4) but I'm on fall break this week. I was expecting to take Body Jam, a hip-hop/dance class (I also usually do Zumba)---yeah, white girl thinks she got moves---only to get

Okay, that's the last ecard. I could post them all day!

there and find out Body Jam is no longer on Wednesdays at 6:30. Told ya, I've been out a while. So, of course, I should leave because the class I wanted to do isn't tonight (excuse #5). Since there weren't many people there and I was not feeling motivated AT all, I texted my sweet hubby who was just trying to deer hunt in peace and quiet for some motivation. I shared my distress with him and asked for motivation. He suggested I run. That wasn't possible because I did not have my iPod (excuse #6) and I wore long pants (excuse #7). Really, Cason? You wore pants so you can't exercise? I'm laughing out loud at myself right now. He suggested I do legs and I quickly responded that I was still sore from Pump (excuse #8 but very true). At this point I decided to let the man hunt and make a decision. Did I want to keep making excuses or did I want to get a quick workout in? I was already there, he was hunting, so if I came home I'd be by myself. Plus I reminded myself of my goal. I won't get there if I keep making excuses. So, I decided to go do a little abs. I feel like it was somewhat productive and was definitely better than nothing.

Hang on, we're gonna switch gears, but please don't leave yet!

A couple Sundays ago, Pastor Jeff mentioned that a lot of us want faith. We want a faith that can "move mountains". We want an unshakable faith. We want faith that can withstand any circumstances life throws our way. But most of us, more than likely, would not sign up for what it may take to 'build' that kind faith. We wouldn't jump to the front of the line to go through the difficult situations; the circumstances that seem hopeless; the times where we feel all alone and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel; the times when we can't make sense of anything around us. Most of us, if we are honest, would not volunteer to go through those things, but (most times) that's how strong faith is built; that's how our dependence on God grows.

We want to know God more. We want to learn more about who He is. We want to feel "closer" to the Lord, but we aren't willing to discipline ourselves or be intentional with our time. We want to grow in our faith and knowledge of the Bible, but we aren't willing to do what it takes to get from point A to point B. We make excuses: I'm tired, I don't want to get up a little bit earlier to have a quiet time, I have to _________, I'd rather watch t.v, I'd rather scroll through Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/insert other forms of social media here (excuse #9-13). We may not verbally say "I'd rather", but look at what you spend majority of your time doing. That's what you're investing in. Personally, when I think about that, I'm not proud of what I'm investing most of my time in (we already know it's not my fitness). Honestly, it is a complete waste of time. Maybe for you that isn't the case, great! While I don't believe we have to work to earn our relationship with Christ or our favor with Him, I do believe we are to put forth effort in order to mature.

So, what excuses are you making in life? What do you keep putting off? What goals do you want to set for yourself-physically, spiritually, mentally? You don't have to wait for December 31st to start your resolutions. What's wrong with tomorrow? I've learned: Your results won't change until your behavior does. And you won't change your behavior until you've just had enough and get sick of the same results. When you truly want a change, you are determined to make it happen. You realize that you will make mistakes along the way, but just like trying to get healthy-there's always tomorrow. With Jesus, you don't have to wait for tomorrow. He's there right now. He's loved you since before you were born. He loved you so much that he died on a cross for you so that you can (truly) live (on earth and) in heaven. He didn't make excuses. If you need hope, security, comfort, freedom, purpose, joy, peace, fill in the blank, you can find it in Him. I challenge you to find someone to talk to if you have questions about Jesus or God and who He is. Deciding to follow Him has not been the easiest one I've ever made, but it's been the most fulfilling and meaningful one by far.
So what are you gonna do? Are you ready for a change?
If you are, remember: No excuses!

Promises of a New Season

Foreword: The tiny thought that inspired this post made a lot more sense in my head. I feel a little distracted, so I hope all of this makes sense. Thanks for reading!


The "inspiration" for this post came about a while back. A couple of weeks ago, I was outside and felt the slightest cool breeze blow. I love that time of year; where you start to feel fall in the air. It brings back many childhood memories that I hold close, many of which took place in a concrete parking lot in Athens, Georgia on game day. That feeling means different things to different people. When I felt the cool air that day, I automatically got excited for college football (Blame my Daddy, brother, and Papa. They ruined me. Growing up, I knew way to much about the sport and in high school I knew more about UGAs players/stats than your average teenage girl.)  

However, there was another feeling that was brought about by the cool air that day. This feeling was a new one. I hadn't felt it in years past. The cool air was coming as a relief to the hot summer we experienced, which made me think... A new season is coming; a cool, new season, full of another set of months and different weather than what we've been having. For the first time, as I felt fall coming, I also felt a sense of hope. Hopeful for cooler days. Hopeful for holidays that allow me to spend more time with my family. Hopeful for new colors on the trees. Hopeful for a change in scenery. Hopeful for a change, period. Hopeful that even though things aren't going my way, they are working out how they should. Hopeful that I won't always feel this way. Hopeful that I will soon be back on top of the mountain instead of deep in the valley. Hopeful that the Lord is showing me something through this time.

I feel like that was legit babbling, so let me try to bring it together! Maybe you are going through a difficult time; I am. Just being honest. I am having a tough time as I'm sure has been made evident through my blogging. It's not with one thing or another; it's just with life. This season sucks for lack of a better word. Yes, I am seeking God through it and I am trying to stay positive and learn in it, but it is hard and I don't like it. That day I felt the cool breeze, I was reminded that just as the seasons change year-round, so do the seasons of life. It's so cliché, but I'm gonna go there: This too shall pass. And it will. Whatever you are going through, whatever I am going through, we will get through it one way or another. We may not be able to see the 'light at the end of the tunnel' (man! tonight I'm being chee-say -Will, that was for you if you're reading), but we will soon (or not so soon) be moving into a new season. Fall is coming (well, when I was first inspired to write this)!

Now, fall has come. We are in its midst and it is making its presence known with cool mornings and evenings. As promised, leaves are starting to change and fall from the trees. Days are getting shorter. Nights are getting longer. And I'm reminded of the Lord's faithfulness to me (and you). He will do what He says He is going to do. He will take care of his children. His word is true and He keeps his promises.

So, I believe from now on, when I feel the first cool breeze that promises a new season is coming, I will not only think about college football, red & black, and pom-poms, but I will also be reminded of the Lord's faithfulness to me and the hope I have in Him; hope for a new season; hope that He has my best planned out; hope that He will do exceedingly more than I can ask or imagine.   

Navigating The Woods

I haven't posted much lately. I've been journaling and reflecting a lot. I've been thinking about whether or not what I share is too personal. I've come to the conclusion that I am a real person dealing with real things, just like the people who read the stuff I write. I've heard a few stories about people reading my blog, some of which I don't even know, and being encouraged. That's the whole point of sharing "my life" I guess you could say. I don't write about every single detail, although some posts do get a little personal. There are still many things I either keep to myself or only tell Adam. With that being said, here's something that happened to me recently:

A couple weeks ago, Adam took me out to the land he hunts on. We were returning a friend's ranger and Adam wanted to show me around. I was excited to get to ride around with him. Being on about 350 acres, he didn't even get to show me half of it. While on our tour, we went across many make-shift bridges, up some steep (scary) hills, and drove for what seemed like forever. There were so many trails and paths; there's no way I could've known how to get back to the truck. As we drove and drove, I couldn't help but question whether or not he knew where he was going. I was amazed that he knew his way around. Of course, he got us back to the truck safely.

As we were riding around, I felt helpless and completely out of control. I couldn't help but compare my ride with Adam to the ride I'm on right now in life. Without Adam, who knew where he was going the whole time, I would've been lost. The same is true of God in this season and every season of life. He knows what he's doing. He knows how to get me to where I need to be and he will make sure I arrive on time safely. While riding, I had no control. I couldn't tell Adam which way to go because I had no clue where we were. The same is true in life. Sometimes you have to just sit in the passenger seat, (try to) enjoy the ride, and trust you will get to where you need to be. Just like I questioned Adam's judgment (even if only for a second), I also question God. I ask Him, "Are you sure you know where we're going?" I may even say, "I don't think this is the right way." I was forced to trust Adam to be the driver, just like I am having to trust that God is driving me in the right direction. When I don't know which way to go, He guides my paths and makes them straight. He helps me navigate the woods of life.

My least favorite part of the tour was the scary hills we had to drive up and down. I'm just not a fan of heights and those hills weren't no joke (excuse my grammar). There are times in life that are scary. You don't know if you can make it up the hill, and once you get to the top, looking down can be just as frightening. I'm thankful that God is our refuge in times of need. When things are scary, He will cover you with His feathers and protect you under his wings (Psalm 91:4). When my heart is overwhelmed, He is my rock (Psalm 61:2) which is unshakeable.

I believe God was using my time in the woods that day to teach me more about how He is working in my life right now. I think He tries to show me things often, but my heart just isn't open to receiving them. I am trying to be more aware of His presence in my life, all day every day. I fight to make Him my focus and to not get distracted by all the chaos of life.

I enjoyed my ride with Adam that day. It was carefree and peaceful. It taught me that it's okay and sometimes beneficial to sit back and just ride. I don't always have to drive. I don't always have to be in feel like I'm in control. The Lord is going to take care of me. He has only good planned for me and those plans are immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

I Just Wanna Brag

Most of you know that my little brother is living in Athens and going to college at UGA. What some of you may not know is that he's gotten plugged in with a local church where he plays with the band. Some Sundays he leads worship, others he just plays guitar. He's asked us a good number of times to come up and go to church with him there one Sunday and since he was leading this morning we decided to go.

I've seen and heard him lead worship before. Many times I've been right up there with him. Today I was just struck by how God is using him. While worshiping, I was watching him leading; singing and playing guitar. While listening to him pray, I couldn't help but be so proud of him and the young man he has become. You see, we have a very close relationship. We have a lot of things in common and, for the most part, we just get each other. We even have our own little language that aggravates some, but we don't really care. We kind of have the same sense of humor and lots of times we both laugh at things others don't really think are funny. 

We share a lot of the same interests; one of those being music. I remember it like it was yesterday (so cliche); we would sit in the floor of my bedroom with printed chords (later on we'd have a laptop looking up chords) to songs for him to play (mostly Taylor Swift and other ridiculously girly songs). Early on, he would only play and I would sing. He is a self-taught musician, so he was still teaching himself how to play guitar back then. I would love to be able to go back in time and watch and listen to us. Some of my best memories with him are sitting in the floor of my bedroom, tripping out at each other when we would sound awful, singing a part wrong, or playing the wrong chord. Our jam sessions became a regular thing. In fact, when I graduated and moved out for college, I was most sad about not getting to do this with him whenever I wanted! Anyways, I started encouraging him to sing different songs and then tell him how good he was (because he was and is!). I like to think I helped him discover his voice (you know, always giving myself props). But, really. Now when we play together, he leads most songs and I sing harmony. I tell him now his voice is more developed than mine and he is definitely more confident (in the most humble way possible!).

I say all of that to say this: He is my younger brother, but I look up to him sometimes. I'm so glad he discovered these talents and I'm so proud that he uses them to serve in the local church. I wouldn't trade those memories in my room or in my little two door Honda Accord for anything. Yall just don't even know. We had concerts on the way to and from school. 

So, I just want to take a minute to brag on my brother and tell you how awesome he is. If you don't know him, you're missing out. He's kind of opposite from me in some ways. He's a lot nicer and more kind-hearted than I am. He definitely got the athletic gene. He played basketball, baseball, and football and he's pretty much good at anything he tries. He's genuine and funny. We kind of have the same temper and attitude, but he is more of a people-pleaser (which isn't always bad). It drives me crazy that he has taught himself to play drums, bass, guitar, piano... and I'm sure other instruments that I don't even know about. I am protective of him and I hate to see him hurt. I want nothing more than good things and success for him. Yes, there are times when we drove each other crazy (and probably almost killed each other), but somehow we became best friends. I love him so much and I think the world of him. I'm so thankful God gave me a brother that I share a special relationship with. I know God will continue using my brother to do great things for His kingdom. Just keep following Him, little bro, because He is faithful in every way. You are such a blessing to me and many others. Keep your eyes on Him and He will guide your path. 

I love you Willy P :)


Here's the last post I wrote about him over a year ago. I went back and read it after typing this one. It's kind of weird that I wrote some of the same things again!

Opening Day

As most of you may know, today was opening day of dove season. Last year, I went with Adam on a shoot for the first time ever. I didn't shoot. I just watched him. I was pretty much hooked and begged him to take me again-next time taking a gun of my own. For whatever reason we never went to another shoot last year. Fast forward to today. He lets me tag along with him; this time bringing my own gun with me (well, technically borrowed from my Daddy). A guy really loves his wife if he lets her tag along for something he really enjoys...that she could potentially ruin. Yes, I feel special!

Today was maybe the second time I've ever shot a gun in my life, so it could've been a potential disaster. Obviously we both made it home alive, so I didn't do that bad. I won't go on and on about all the birds we didn't see, but I will tell you what I learned about A today. I didn't really learn these things about him. We've been together for almost 10 years, so we know each other pretty well. Today I was reminded that he is:

Confident. Decision-making is easy for him. He can make a decision and believe in it 100%. Today, when a bird dropped in, he quickly aimed and shot before I could even get my gun up. He was so sure of himself, he wasted no time wondering whether or not he'd actually hit the bird; unlike me, who would hold my gun in the air forever (in reality a couple of seconds) wondering whether or not I'd make the shot. He balances me in this way. Where as I will question every decision I make, he is confident in his decisions. When I second guess myself, he reassures me that everything will be fine.

Patient. A characteristic I don't see much in him. Actually, I take that back. He's married to me. That requires a lot of patience. He waited a l.o.n.g. time for those birds today. He would sit and wait. And sit. And wait. And I would be in the ranger, in the shade, drinking some water and getting a snack (yes, I just admitted that. no, I did not sit there all day. I just took a short break from the unbearable sun every now and then). He was calm. He didn't get frustrated that we weren't seeing many birds. He didn't get annoyed because it sounded like WWIII everywhere except where we were sitting (everyone else was seeing birds where they were, we assume...or maybe they were all a bad shot....we don't really know)

Optimistic. This attribute gets on my nerves sometimes (not really). When we weren't seeing many birds today, he kept saying just wait, let it get a little later. He was hopeful we would eventually see all the birds everyone had raved about before we got out there. He is forever telling me it's gonna be okay, it's fine, or it's gonna work out. I get frustrated because when I'm upset about something, I just want to be upset. I don't want to be told everything will be fine. But, ultimately, I'm thankful he is this way because he keeps me positive!

Humble. He missed very few times today. But, he is human. He can admit when he misses the mark or messes up. He knows he can't do everything perfectly, but he tries his best and he gets pretty close.

Although neither of us got our limit today, we both had a good time and enjoyed each other's company. It's nice to be able to hang out with someone, without the distractions of life or other people, and still be able to make each other laugh, have a conversation, or just sit quietly. There are times we argue, there are times we get along great. I'll put it like this, which is what I realized when I decided I wanted to marry him; yes we disagree, yes we make mistakes, but at the end of the day, there's no one else I wanted to make those mistakes with. There's no one else I want by my side when I'm learning from those mistakes. Each day is an adventure in our journey. Some days are eventful; some days are boring. Either way, there's no one else I want to spend all my days with <3

I love you, A. Thanks for a fun day!

If You Give A Girl A.....

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie is a popular children's book. In fact, Laura Numeroff (teacher probs) has a whole series based on giving animals something and that thing causing them to want something different. I read these books to my kids at school and they absolutely love them.

As I was trying to go to sleep last night, I was reflecting on life and this season I find myself in. I guess thinking about the hopes and dreams I had as a little girl caused me to think about this story. Strange, I know, but I don't claim to be normal.

With the taste of freedom each new experience in life brings, the girl in my story finds herself wanting more, more, more. When she gets what she's been hoping for and it doesn't bring the fulfillment she expected, she continues to look forward to the next thing life has to offer.

This is a story about a little girl who dreams about being many things; from a princess to a cashier. She grows up quickly and soon reaches her teen years. The young girl can't wait to be old enough to make her own decisions. If you give her a license, she'll probably want a new car. Once she gets a new car, she'll want to stay out later. The curfews and rules of her parent's house will cause her to dream of the day when she can move out and go to college. Once she's in college, she'll be eager to graduate and get a job. Once she has a job, her heart will ache for a partner. She will search and search for a guy to provide the love and affection she longs for. Not long after she finds him, she'll want a ring. She won't want to be engaged long because she can't wait to be married. Once she's married, she'll realize something is still missing. Naturally, she want a baby. After a couple of years of being a young mom and with each new stage, she will get tired and burnt out. She will long for the days when her baby is "past this stage". Once her child gets older and moves away, she will look back and realize how fast her baby grew up. Now, she longs for the day when she can retire and do whatever she wants. Once she's retired she will have lots of time to reflect on her life and all that she has experienced. While she's reflecting, she will realize she has wished and hurried her life away; hoping for the next stage of life to bring satisfaction and fulfillment; never taking time to sit and soak in all that God was teaching and showing her through each season of life.

I don't want to be like the little old lady at the end of this poorly written story. It is a constant struggle for me to be content right where I am. I find myself asking God for things and not long after he blesses me with them, I complain. I think to myself, "Well, that's not how I thought it would be. I can't wait until ________."

I don't usually use the word 'hate', but I hate this about myself. I am never satisfied. I have not learned how to be content in all things. I have not learned to find my satisfaction in the Lord alone. I put my hopes and dreams into earthly things. I look to them for fulfillment. I think they can satisfy the desires of my heart. But I'm terribly wrong.

It is a constant battle for me to fight to be satisfied in Christ. Daily, I struggle to remember and believe that he is my portion; that he is more than enough for me.

"The point of life is not to keep looking ahead, but to look to the Lord to be our portion at every stage of life." -Karen Ehman, Embrace the Wait, Proverbs 31 Ministries

Lord, help me to look to you rather than looking ahead to each new stage of life. Help me to rest in where you have me now. While I wait, I will seek you. Help me to soak up all that this stage has to offer, because soon, it will be gone.

God's Not Late, We're Just Early

Whew! Now that I got that off my chest...
I want to start by admitting that this title is not original (at all), but I saw it somewhere and thought it was perfect for where I'm at right now. If I'm completely honest with you, although I have no idea who you are, I have been very frustrated with life. I have been frustrated with God. I have not been content in all things. I have, however, been unsatisfied. I have been ungrateful. I think it's okay to come before God honestly and let him know how we truly feel about certain things. In case you forgot, he already knows your heart, so be fake if you want. You're only fooling yourself.

When I was in high school, Adam and I would talk about our lives, maybe getting married one day, where we'd like to live, where we thought we might work, etc. I'll admit, we did not guard our hearts very well because we even talked about baby names. Well, I mostly talked about that, he listened.

I just want to say that I don't blog about things I haven't shared with him (I told you, my brain is scattered tonight). And what I'm about to share has nothing to do with our marriage, well not directly. Anyways, the other day I told him, "When I thought about us at 23/24 (I'm older. He got a cougar.) this is not what I had planned." Am I happy with him? Of course. With our circumstances? Not completely. Some may read this and think, "What is she complaining about? They live in a decent house. They both drive decent cars. They both have jobs. They live comfortably. She sounds very spoiled and ungrateful." First, I would say to those people, you are right. I already admitted I have been ungrateful and yes, bratty. Second, I would say, things are not always what they appear. Often times people who seem to have it all together are the ones who feel like things are falling apart around them. I'm not saying we are those people, but I'm not saying we aren't. Just because we go to church, believe in God, and follow Christ does not mean our lives are a cake walk. We still experience failures, disappointments, sadness, anger, and the list goes on... Okay, off of that soap box and back to the original point of this post.

If you know me, you know I'm a planner. Honestly, I'm only just now realizing that not everyone makes lists for everything, color codes things in their planners, or even has a planner for that matter. I know, I'm shocked everyone isn't like me. If you know me, you're not shocked that I just said that.

Needless to say, before Adam and I were married, I had a five year plan. You may laugh, but I'm serious. By 22, ________ would happen. By 23, we would _________. I want __________ to happen by 24. And by 25, we will be _________. Let's just say, as I approach 25, things have not gone according to my plan. I've thought, God, where are you? You're supposed to make these things happen. I'm tapping my watch, looking up, saying, "You're late!" Don't you know __________ was supposed to happen by __________??? We were supposed to be __________. What are you trying to do, mess up my plan? Some of you may be thinking, "Oh she's talking about ______." No, I'm really not. I am talking about many different things that just have not gone like I wanted them to. Life is messy and complicated and I'm so thankful for my God that guides me through it and my husband who supports and encourages me in every step of our journey. 

Lately, I have been so caught up in my circumstances and the fact that things aren't going according to plan. For a planner, this is aggravating. For all you go with the flow people, I don't see how you do it. So, yes, I have been aggravated and I may go so far as to say angry with God. It doesn't matter about what- things that I have no control over-things that I can't change.

Have you ever sat through a church service and felt like everyone else could leave because you were sure the message was just for you? Well, I'm sure others needed it too, but this morning was one of those mornings for me. I love Pastor Jeff. He's a simple kind of guy. He usually has one main point in his sermons. Sometimes he gets a little crazy and gives two. I mean, really, if we actually took the (one) point made in a sermon, we could probably spend a while trying to live it out in our lives. So, I'm thankful he doesn't give me too much to chew on during the week! This morning, he reminded me us: Faith says: I'm more confident in God than my circumstances. He could've just stopped there and I could've started praying and been there for.a.while. I have not been very confident in God lately. In fact, in my prayers, I have asked God what he is doing. Why am I here (not literally)? What is the point of this? Why haven't things gone my way? How did we get to this season in life?

Jeff gently reminded me through my storm, which may seem trivial to most, God is teaching me to have full confidence in Him. Sometimes life and this Christian walk isn't fair. Oh em gee. Was he a fly on the wall in my house the other day? Because I just said, through tears, to Adam: "It's not fair that ____________________."

"What if the work God is doing through the circumstances is to help build your faith so that you're totally confident in Him the next time a situation arises that requires your faith to be strong?" Hashtag, things that are hard to hear........... because then you are forced to reason with why things are/aren't happening your life. I know God is building my faith in Him through this season of life. I don't like to admit that, for whatever reason. Of course, I think my faith is strong, it doesn't need to grow any. When I'm honest, I know that's not true. It's like Jeff said, we all want this strong faith that can move mountains and not be shaken, but we don't want to go through and experience what it takes to grow into that kind of faith. This kind of faith "doesn't come from years of bible studies". Sometimes this kind of faith is a choice. Not just a one time choice, but a choice that has to be made weekly, daily, hourly, every moment we are breathing. We have to choose to believe God will take care of us. We have to choose to have faith that says, "When you give and even when you take away, my heart will choose to say, 'Blessed be Your name'. " We have to choose to trust that God knows what He's doing. We have to choose to follow Him and believe His word is real in our lives even when things aren't going our way.

By the end of the sermon, I was in tears, so overwhelmed. The last song we sang couldn't have been more perfect. I prefer Matt Maher's version and I've had it on my iPod for a while now. It has been one of the many songs I meditate on and keep in my head. "Without you I fall apart.[..] Lord, I need you. [..] Every hour I need you."

To wrap up all this babbling, as much as I don't want to make sense of any of my "mess", I know that God is growing my faith through this time. Yes, there will be and have been days where I don't think I can keep patiently seeking God and waiting for Him to make sense of it all. There will be days when I feel emotionally drained and too overwhelmed with all that goes on in this crazy head to function. But, in those moments, I hear God say, "You don't have to carry all of this. You don't have to figure it all out. Just rest in me. Wait on me. Keep looking to me and I am going to take care of you because you are my daughter. You may not understand your circumstances, but I am working it all out, so just trust in Me to do what is best for you. I'm not missing anything. I'm not late. You're just early. You're not ready yet. It's not time. So just wait. When these things come together in life, it'll be right on time. You wait and see."

Until the time when those things make sense, I will continue to rest and put full confidence in Him...

Bearing Your Soul to Strangers

I was just writing/typing a blog post and then got to thinking... Monthly, sometimes weekly or evenly daily, I write about things that are of value to me. I write about things that weigh heavily on me. I write about things that I feel other people may enjoy reading or be encouraged by. The strange thing is I have no clue who is out there reading all of this stuff! It's like I'm bearing my soul to a bunch of strangers. I am being transparent with people, some of which might not even speak to me if they saw me in public. That is weird! Maybe the only people who read my posts are close friends and family. Maybe only "church people" read my posts. Maybe I have a stalker who clicks on my blog multiple times a day to see if I've posted anything new. I mean I have page views from Russia and Germany. Talk about freaky. The point is, I literally do not know who reads the stuff I put out there. And most of my posts are very personal. I don't feel they are inappropriate or too vulnerable, but I write about some very personal things- like I said, things that are important to me.

I don't know who you are, but I do know people out there are reading my posts. I can see how many page views my blog gets, how many times a certain post is read, etc. But all of the stats are anonymous. I don't see names I only see numbers. This is not to discourage you from reading. I promise, there is no way for me to figure out who you are. It actually makes me feel good that people are at least clicking on the link to my blog when I share a post! Whether or not they read the whole thing, again, there's no way for me to know. Don't get me wrong, I would definitely still [write] even if I had 0 page views. I find it to be very restorative (it's a real word, look it up). For someone who isn't good using words verbally, I love to write. Most times I feel like the words make sense :)

My brain is very scattered right now, so I don't think I could've finished my original post before I got all of that out. Anyways, thank you to the people who take time to read what I take time to write. I hope, somehow, these posts can an encouragement to you.

Now, back to my original post...

Resting in the Rain Specks

Lately, there has been a lot on my mind. The wheels have been turning constantly.
I noticed the sunset on our drive home. Brillant colors filled the sky. Once we got home, I decided to sit on our back porch and take it all in. The stillness and peace that comes from reflecting on God's creation; my mind could sure use it.

As I watch the last colors of the sunset fade from the sky, I notice the smallest, lightest rain specks (not heavy enough to be drops) falling down. You can't hear them or see them and you can barely feel them. If I hadn't sat still, I wouldn't have even known they were there.

My sweet Father reminds me to not get so busy with life. Don't worry so much. Don't plan so much. Don't overthink things. Don't be so consumed with other things that you forget Me. If you do, you may miss out on the tiny rain specks of life.

Just as soon as the rain specks started, they seemed to stop; as if it were only something He and I knew about. I don't know if they were or not, but I have been reminded to slow down and take time to be still before Him; clear my mind and cast all of my cares upon Him. My God is a good God and I'm so thankful that he cares about me, personally. He formed me and created me and He knows the number of my days. It feels good to slow down and rest in Him.

You Don't Have to be Fake

I'm not good at being fake. I never have been. Whatever the emotion: stressed, aggravated, sad, mad, you can see it on my face. It's not that I don't try to seem okay. I'm just not good at pretending. The harder I try, the more exhausted I get. You never have to guess what I'm thinking or what's going on in my mind. You can read me like a book and I see it as a flaw. This is not an excuse to be rude, but rather, a way of showing that I'm real. After all, "christians" are normal people.

If I can't fool those around me, why do I think I can fool the One who created me? Sometimes I pretend to be okay before Him, like I'll follow faithfully no matter what. While this is partly true, I'm not always okay with what's going on in my life. Sometimes I get aggravated and annoyed with God. I get frustrated when things don't go the way I think they should. I get aggravated when things don't happen at the times I think they should. I think in my mind, sometimes not daring to ask aloud, "God what are you doing? What is happening in my life? This is not how I planned it."

As much as I want to be sometimes, I dont have to be fake with God. Even if I try, he sees through it. When I'm frustrated, I tell him. When I'm sad, I tell him. When I'm anxious, I tell him. No matter what it is, I tell him. While I think it is okay to express my frustrations and anxieties to Him (after all, He already knows my heart), sometimes I just need a little perspective and all of a sudden, my thought process changes. Rather than dwelling on cirumstances I can't change, I choose to believe that God is on my side and he has my best in mind. He reminds me that his best for me is not always what I think is best for me. Other times, it may be. I sometimes pray with words that I don't truly mean, but as I talk to him, I beg him to help me pray them sincerely.

I realize I fight a tough battle here on earth. There are people and circumstances that challenge my faith and make life difficult at times. These seasons in life cause me to yearn for the day when he returns or calls me home and all the cares and anxieties of this world will pass away. No more tears, no more sorrows; only praising him forever.

Until that time, I continue to fight as hard as I can. I refocus my perspective and regain my determination. I evaluate the important things in life and remember all my blessings. I lace up my shoes and start to jog again. Before I know it, I'm back running as fast as I can, so that I may finish well.

God reminds me that if anyone can read me like a book, it's him. After all, he's writing the words on each and every page. And as I trust him to write my story, he reminds me that he is working all things together for my good. He has a purpose and a plan; a story just for me that goes exceedingly beyond anything I can ask or imagine. The circumstances I was upset about before all of sudden hold no weight. They pale in comparison to knowing him. He reminds me, once again, that he is all I need. He is more than enough and, once again, I choose to be satisfied in him.

A Simple Smile

You're surrounded by sounds of dishes clanking, water pouring, forks and spoons dinging, and unrecognizable chatter. People are everywhere, only two that you know. The challenge is not having someone to talk to, but rather, choosing who you will talk to and how to invite yourself to their table. For someone who does not do well with conversations (especially with strangers), this is a difficult task. Completely out of your comfort zone.

One lady tells you of how she is ready for her kids to go back to school. Another says nothing. She stares as you make conversation with her father. Yet, another lady sings sweet lyrics to you from her favorite childhood song.

For a moment, you step away from the chaos and take a couple deep breaths. Remember why you're here; not for yourself. Looking for your next opportunity, you struggle with who to talk to and what you should say. For reasons of fear or wanting to avoid awkwardness, you decide to just walk around and ask everyone how they're doing and if they enjoyed their meal. You accompany these simple questions with a genuine smile. And then, you realize you don't always have to use words to show you care. You don't always have to have deep conversations and use big words. In fact, for some situations, no words are needed. At these times, all you have to do is offer a simple smile. Smiles are universal. They break racial and socioeconomical boundaries. Cliché? Yes. Truth? Yes.

After your small revelation and giving out a few more smiles, you muster up the courage to go talk to one more person before leaving. This lady is alone; surrounded by seven other little bodies, but none the less, alone. She is strong; she has no choice. Someone has to be for her little ones. She is patient and surprisingly calm. She talks as if she's been waiting for someone like you to show up. It doesn't matter if you're really listening, she's just glad to have your company. Once the conversation winds down, you tell her you aren't sure when you'll see her again. She asks about your church service and you give her the details. You give a goodbye with genuine hopes of seeing her soon and off you go, leaving her with a simple smile.

The Story of the Poptart

When preparing for our mission trip to Jamaica, I packed a good amount of snacks, knowing I probably wouldn't each much. Supper included things like chicken foot soup, stewed chicken, rice, etc. I don't even eat regular soup.... just to give you an idea of how picky I am. This is something I know about myself and I knew it would be one challenge I'd face throughout the week. However, I was willing to put myself through this small discomfort in order to go on the trip. Needless to say, I lived on granola bars, fruit snacks (chewies), and poptarts. There were times when I was so hungry, even these snacks did not fill me up. I knew the hunger pangs were temporary and I'd soon be back home with a house full of food, so I tried not to think about it too much.

As the week came to an end, I actually had a good bit of food left; some applesauce, a few packs of crackers, 4 packs of poptarts, and some fruit chews. Not wanting to pack it in my luggage, I decided to give away as much of it as I could and leave the rest at the house for the kids. So on our last morning, after packing, I decided to go see if the team wanted any of it before I took it to the kitchen to leave for the kids. The poptarts were the first to go. People would ask, "Are you sure you don't want them?" "Are you sure you don't want one?" I answered "no" and at the time, I honestly didn't want one. As I passed out the last one and walked back to my room, I thought, "Man, I should've kept one for myself... just in case.... I am kind of hungry." I walked back down to my room. I grabbed my bag, put my sheets in a pile, and grabbed my camera and ipod. As I finished packing things into my bookbag, I saw a shiny wrapper laying in the bottom of the front pocket. "Yes!" It was a poptart that I had packed to take out as a snack earlier in the week and had completely forgotten about. Although it was smushed and broken into about 30 pieces, it was the yummiest raspberry poptart I'd ever eaten.

God reminded me of two things:
One, that I am called to give and sacrifice in order to help others. This could be giving my money, time, energy, and or resources. I should give without expecting something in return. I should give without expecting recognition. I should give without expecting results.

Two, in the simplest way, God reminded me of how he provides for me. When I think I'm running out, he is there to fill me back up. When I can't understand, he brings clarity and peace. When I'm hungry, he feeds me. When I'm thirsty, he gives me something to drink.

He doesn't always promise us a poptart right when we think we need it, but he does promise to provide for us in every way, in his perfect time. He will meet all our needs. It may not be when or how we think he should provide for us, but his ways are higher than our ways, and we are to put our trust in him.

So, I leave you with these questions...to chew on:
(no pun intended...actually I did do that on purpose!)
-Do you know this God that I often write about, I mean really know him? If not, I challenge you to ask someone you feel comfortable with about this guy named Jesus. Find out for yourself if he is who he says he is and really did what he says he did.

-If you have a relationship with him, are you giving all your poptarts away? Are you giving them away without expecting recognition or results?

-Are you trusting that God will provide for all your needs and that he will take care of you in every way?

Hmmm... that's a lot to think on!
Until my next post.....

The Strange Transition

Emotional. One word that accurately describes arriving back in the states yesterday. We have spent the last week in Jamaica and got back home yesterday. After seeing all that we did this past week, it feels very odd to be surrounded by so much. I can't really explain the feeling. It is very odd. All week we had what we needed: food, shelter, a bed (bunk-bed style), showers (although cold), and electricity. Just the basics, but exactly what you need to live. No unnecessary "excess" stuff.

As I pull into my neighborhood, lined with two-story homes, each with at least one car filling the driveway, I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of emotion. As I walk inside our air conditioned house, set to a particular temperature, I place my belongings on our granite countertop and take it all in. Tears stream down my face. All of the decorations, electronics, furniture; little things that we take for granted. They seem to consume the inside of the house. I wash off in our shower, lined with tile, complete with double shower heads on either wall, and at the water temperature I desire. I'm overwhelmed with just how much we have. I'm overwhelmed by this life of luxuary we live. I don't feel sorry for those who I know are still in Jamaica, because most are content with what they have, but rather, I feel very blessed. You see most live without warm water, air conditioning, shoes and clothes that fit and match, and many other small things we take for granted in America, but they are happy with what they have. Cool showers are a way of life, some even wash in the river. They have clothes on their backs, though not expensive or designer name brands. Most live day to day, with just enough to survive. We aren't rich by any stretch, at least not by American standards. But, even the poorest of the poor here in our community have far more than most I met in Jamaica. It sounds cliché, but it's so true.

On the other hand, I'm sad to be back home, for things to return to normal. In a way, I feel that when my schedule returns to normal, somehow all I've experienced will slip away. I don't want the busy-ness of this American life to crowd out the simplicity and humility I've experienced. So, I'm holding on to all the memories as tight as I can. I don't want to ever forget the faces I saw in Jamaica. I don't want to forget any of the people I met there. I don't want to forget the poverty I saw. I don't want to forget the brokenness, but I also don't want to forget the joy. I don't want to forget the lack of innocence I saw in most of the children. I don't want to forget how starved they were for attention and love. I don't want to forget their excitement over small toys from the dollar store. I don't want to forget the hunger people have there for the Gospel and good news of Jesus. Most, just waiting and desperately seeking something to hold on to. I don't want to forget how content they were with what little they had. I don't want to forget Lisa, Stephanie, or Babs. I don't want to forget the little girl who begged and begged me for water. I don't want to forget the sweet, sweet children and people who live at the house where we stayed: Deanna, Samson, Joshua, Moses, Jadah, Sheena, Felix, Bryan, Jim and Penny. I don't want to forget their energy. I don't want to forget their boldness.

There are so many memories that I don't want to let slip away. I hope through journaling, pictures, and video, they will stay with me. This trip has been life changing. Words can't describe what we have experienced. I'm still trying to process it all. The people and places I saw will hopefully stay with me forever.

Are You Sure?

That's not what he meant...surely!
He wasn't talking to me.
I don't think he really wants me to do that.

All of these are 'excuses' I've given when I feel like God is telling me to do something. It can be big. It can be small. It's usually something I think will be difficult for me to do-that's why I put it off or file it in the back of my brain until the next time it comes up. God has never spoken to me audibly. I've heard very few people who have claimed that he has spoken audibly to them. BUT, there are times where I know he is telling me to do certain things, and often times, I just blow him off. I was going to word that a little more gently, but I'm just telling it how it is. I ignore him. I pretend I don't know what he wants me to do and I make all kinds of excuses for putting off whatever IT is. I ignore him for a little while and then the same thing pops back up again. And I think, God, are you sure? I mean, is that really what you want me to do? Of course he's sure, he's God. He's in control of all things.

I'm not sure if any of you are like me in this way, doubting God in this way. Do I put these things off because of fear? Often times I fear what people will think of me. I fear I won't be able to do whatever it is he wants me to do, due to lack of knowledge or resources. I don't believe he will walk with me through it. I doubt that he could really want to use me to do, well, anything.

God calls ordinary people to do extraordinary things. I know this is true, but sometimes I don't live like it's true. This means he uses regular people like me to do incredible things for him-not because there's anything great about me, but because everything is great about him! God is always with me, through each step of my journey in life. This should comfort me-always-but sometimes I allow fears and anxieties to choke out this truth. These are some things I say I believe, but at times I don't really live them out in my life.

I want to encourage you, as I encourage myself at the same time: whatever it is that God is calling you to do right now, have the faith to do it. Don't question God. Don't ask him if he's sure. Don't ignore him. Just step out in faith. Believe he will guide each step, because he will.

Oh, and this post was definitely directed at myself, but maybe some of you can benefit from it as well!

It's Not About Me?

I don't like the songs they sing at church.
I don't like the order of the service.
I don't like the way he preaches.

I'm scared they might not like me.
I'm scared they might think I sing bad.

I didn't really feel like God spoke to me.
I didn't really get anything out of that service.

Transparent moment-I am guilty of saying all of the above. Why do we make things all about us? In church, in our relationships, in life, and in general. I don't know about you, but lots of times I go to church with the mindset of "what can I get out of this service". While this mentality isn't completely wrong, I believe God wants us ("believers") to get the bigger picture. There's more to church than just what we can take away from a service, what we like or don't like about the way it happened.

The same goes for our relationship with God, well at least for me. I open my bible and many times think "God I know you want to speak to me. What is it you want to show me?" Even when I pray I'm guilty of making it all about me "God, I am really nervous about __________... please help me" While it's not wrong to come to our quiet/study time with expectation and it's not wrong to ask God for things, we just get mixed up sometimes. We place the emphasis on ourselves when it should be on God.

Also with friends, family members, even our spouses, we make these relationships all about us. "I really wish he did this and I wish he didn't do this. I don't like when she does this and I don't want her to do that." Again, all things I'm guilty of, but this is really another post in itself.  When we don't make these relationships about ourselves, we make them about the other person, which also isn't entirely right. Some of you are like, whaaa? I agree, this paragraph is kinda confusing. Let's see if this helps:

God should be put first in every relationship. He should be the center of each of them. Here's why:
This morning our pastor said something interesting. I won't quote him because I couldn't write fast enough, but basically he said: Some churches are based all around a person (the preacher) or his personality. The problem with this is that when that person fails and makes a mistake, everything around that person (the church) falls apart. Pastor Jeff is great and he made a good point, but I got to thinking and this is what I wrote in my notes (exactly): When churches are anything is based around a person, everything falls apart when that person fails. I won't re-write my previous post, but this concept is not just limited to churches basing their existence on their pastor. This is true in our personal lives with our friends, family, and spouses. There has to be more to these relationships than just a dependence on another person. They will fail and let you down. Without God I have no hope or consistency. As great as Adam is, he makes mistakes (as do I), but my life doesn't fall apart when he does. This brings me to something else I'd like to blog about....maybe next time. I'm getting off track!

So, the reoccurring theme in my life lately: "It's not about you". I don't like to hear that. I don't like to say "It's not about me." because I'm self-absorbed and sometimes think it should be. My relationship with Christ is not about me. (Shocking, I know! This is not something I gave any thought to until recently.) Salvation, as Pastor Jeff said, was about me for only a split second. After I accepted Christ, life became about God using me and God doing what he wants through me. We make the bible about us, we make ministry about us, but when we do this we've got it all wrong. In my own life I need to stop focusing attention on myself. I also need to do as Pastor Jeff said and "stop hoarding the gospel and share it with those who need it". Ouch. What is my problem? I know about a great God who is able to change lives, yet I keep my mouth closed and don't tell anyone about the "good news"; about the fact that there is a God who loves them and who sent his son to die for them so that they can have a relationship with him. Instead, I keep it all to myself as if John 3:16 says "for God so loved Cason that he gave his only son so that she can have everlasting life if she believes..." While this is true-he did love me so much that he sent his son and my relationship with him is personal, he doesn't love only me. He doesn't love only the people who are in church every Sunday. He so loved the world... and I know that means more than just me. And if you've never experienced the love of God, if you don't have a relationship with him and don't really even know what that means, I encourage you to talk to someone you feel comfortable with about it. Ask questions and find out for yourself if God really is who he says he is.

"This is what I know..." (in honor of my post being based on this morning's sermon) ...the more time I spend alone with God, the more I realize it's not about me. Why does God keep reminding me of the fact that it's not about me? Because he knows I need the reminder...daily. About three months ago, God really started showing me this simple truth. He challenged me to grow up in my faith and take the next step in learning what it means to follow him. It's still a foreign thought for me to think church is not about me, my relationship with Christ is not about me, my purpose in life is not about me. It's like as soon as I say it, I start my next sentence and I've already forgotten. I end one sentence with "it's not about me" and start the next one as if it is. It's something I'm learning and growing through. I could not be more thankful for the place God has brought us to. I'm so thankful for a simple church that delivers simple messages in a simple format. Thank you Jeff and Church Central for all you do.

Until my next post...

Our New Home

Today was a big day in the life of our church. It meant different things for different people. Some saw it as a return to their updated 'home.' For me, it was a special day with a different kind of meaning- a fresh start with a unified body that has welcomed us with open arms since the first day we walked in.

About 7 months ago, we decided that we needed to start looking for another church to call home. There were many things that affected our decision. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done-leaving a place you call home, full of many people you've grown up around. Adam and I 'reconnected' there (hehe). I accepted Christ there. I started singing in church there. We grew up in the youth there. We grew in our faith there and learned what it really meant to be a 'christian'. We were married there. We grew very close to many sweet people there. So leaving was hard, but at the same time we knew God was calling us to somewhere else. We didn't have a clue where.

We knew some of our close friends were visiting Church Central so, being my stubborn self, I refused to go there for the first couple Sundays. I didn't want to go there "just because others were". I don't usually like to follow the crowd, and sometimes, as if I have something to prove, I do the complete opposite. We visited around to different churches and eventually CC. Everything was all so different and new, so I wasn't sure how I felt about any of the churches we visited.

The more we visited CC, the more I realized that the core people there are legit. They love the Lord and they have a heart for people. They're simple, but effective. They get it. They get what this 'church thing' is all about. Pastor Jeff is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. I don't even know him very well, but you can just tell that he genuinely loves God & people. Not just the ones who look or talk like him, but all kinds. (I'm getting ahead of myself)

Needless to say, before we knew it, we were reluctant to visit elsewhere on Sundays for fear of what we may miss out on at CC. We decided in January, I think, to become partners there. We, along with many others, joined this core body of people in the mission of "bringing them in, building them up, and sending them out". They welcomed us in and we got right to work, but if I'm completely honest (why not? My last post was crazy transparent, so this is nothing, right?!) I kind of felt like we hadn't really meshed all the way with the people who were already there before us. In my mind, there was kind of an 'us and them' mentality. Not that I didn't want to get to know each of them, but I figured it would take time for us to feel at home and really take ownership of the fact that this was now our church too.

Shortly after we joined CC, I started singing with the (I'm not sure what we call ourselves) worship band (?). You get what I mean. I was starting to feel more a part of CC, by helping to lead worship, but there was still some mixing left to do. Fast forward a couple weeks to when we had the really bad storms that came through. If you don't already know, there was a lot of damage done to the building-the roof was ripped off, water damage, etc. It was messy. It seemed hopeless to some- those who proposed that maybe the church should just close and move on. Surely this was a sign that that was what God wanted (this is another blog post in itself). Oh! By the way, those people had it all wrong :) So we temporarily met at another location while we fixed up the building.

It hit me about 2 weeks before we planned to move back into the building. I realized, personally, what God was doing through this building project. Not only was he teaching me more about who he is, amongst other things, but he was unifying (more so) this newly knit body of believers. I knew when we came back to the building, it would be a fresh start for all of us. There would be no 'us-them' mentality because we had all come together during this tough time. We stuck it out and came through it, better.

I was right. This morning was unlike anything I've experienced before. Walking in and helping lead worship in a place that once felt very strange, yet continued to draw us in, I felt completely at home; overwhelmed with peace; the holy spirit so thick, you could almost feel his presence; looking out and seeing these people, who are my new family, worshiping freely. It was beyond amazing.

I am so thankful that while we had no clue what our next move would be or where we would end up, God was directing our path the whole time. He knew we would join this family of amazing people and help them spread Jesus through Milledgeville and the world. God has revived me and brought me back to life spiritually. I am closer to him now than I have ever been. His hand is at work in this group of people and it is very evident. I am thrilled to see what God will do in and through Church Central in the coming months and years. 

So today I am overflowing with thankfulness, gratitude, humility, peace and joy. I was once uncertain, but now couldn't be more sure that we are right where God wants us to be. The journey was not easy, but I'm glad he has led us to our new home.

You're Invited

From the outside, she looks mad at the world. She doesn't make this face on purpose, it just comes across that way because there's so much bitterness, sadness, and anger that's been building over a lifetime. Don't count on her speaking to you unless you make the first move. You see, she is so consumed with herself, she doesn't really care about what you have to say. She won't ask how you are because, to her, it doesn't really matter. If the conversation isn't about her, she's less than interested. It takes a while to get to know her. Few ever make it past the surface. I don't want to make excuses for her, but there are reasons she asks this way. They aren't excuses. They're simply reasons she has used to shut herself off from the outside world. You see, when you first meet her, she has to make a decision: let the wall down and allow you get to know the real her, or keep the wall up and maintain a shallow realtionship. Every now and then she will decide that you're worth her time. This girl is not fun to be around. She's very negative. She never smiles. She's not very happy, and you annoy her if you are. I'm really not sure how she has friends.

She's been building this wall she keeps up for years. Each brick laid comes from disappointment after diappointment. Loss after loss. Heartbreak after heartbreak. Don't be fooled. Her life has not been full of trials and hardships, that's why the wall is so transparent. It's like she doesn't even know it's there. She doesn't see it. She doesn't care about you and your life, but she doesn't know why. She knows there's a hardness, but she can't explain it. There aren't major life events that have put this wall in front of her. However, there have been people who have let her down and broken her heart.

That was her first mistake. Somewhere along the way, she started relying on other people for her joy, fulfillment in life, and contentment. She needed them as a crunch to help carry all the baggage she brings along. She put all her hope and trust in the relationships she built, and people let her down. People left, people disappointed her. They moved. They went back on their word or turned their backs on her. Each broken relationship leading to another brick being laid. The more people let her down, the less likely it became that she would let you in. So rather than getting to know people, she just worried about herself. She would be safe, consumed with her own little world. The more she shut people out, the less opportunities they would have to hurt her.

The problem she had was that she depended on people so much; when they were gone, she was left with nothing. When the people she relied on for happiness disappeared, she was left with sadness. When the people she relied on for joy went away, she was left with bitterness. When the people she relied on for contentment left her, she didn't know who she was.

I'm SO thankful that the girl I'm writing about is no longer me. I finally, after many years, realized that I'm putting my trust into the wrong things. I can't rely on people to be all of those things for me. They will let me down. People will leave, for whatever reason. People are mean and hateful. They will hurt my feelings. People will break my heart.

I'm so glad that there is a God who loves me more than anyone on this earth can. I can trust him. I can count on him. He will never leave me. He's faithful and constant. He is always there for me and he's not going anywhere. He can handle my baggage. He gives me joy. He gives me purpose in life. My fulfillment is found in him. He understands me and sees to my core. His love is greater than that of any I've experienced from people in my life. He gives me hope. He gives me joy. He gives me peace. He gives me strength. He is my rock to lean on. He's more than enough for me. He meets all of my needs.

He knocks down the wall I've worked so hard on. He gives me boldness and confidence. He gives me compassion and makes me selfless. When my instinct is to shut you out, he says "Remember, it's not about you. They may need someone to tell them hey, ask them how they are, or just flash a smile." He reminds me that he puts people in my life for a reason. Although I don't always want to, he compels me to invite you in. He assures me that it's okay to let down my guard because when you let me down, he is there to sustain me. So, you're invited. You're invited to get to know this girl (who, at times, is a mess). She's working hard at keeping her guard down and getting to know you. She doesn't want to miss out on any more blessings by shutting people out. 

I have tendencies to revert back to this old me. She's a diva. She can be fiesty. She's selfish and no fun to be around. When she shows up, I have to immediately shut her down and turn her off (Some of you are thinking "She has an alter-ego....kinda like Beyonce"......not quite. Others of you are concerned that I'm talking about myself in third person. I'm okay, really!) I'm thankful that Jesus is greater than my struggles and even when I give in to the fight, God still loves me. I'm thankful for his grace and his mercy. Without it, I know the person I'd be and I don't like her. My prayer for you, yes you reading this, is that you come to know this love, this forgiveness, this acceptance. God is good. He's not some mean being that wants to strike you with lightning. He formed and created you. He loved you before the creation of the world and he's waiting for you. He's waiting for you to stop trying to fix yourself and for you to bring the broken pieces of your life to him so that he can put you back together.

Cork or Lure

This past weekend I was able to do something I haven't done in a while. I went fishing with my daddy, stepmom, little brother, and granddaddy. When I was younger, this was something we did regularly. Now that my brother and I are older and kind of have our own things going on, we don't get as many chances to go fishing as a family. Many memories have been made with lines cast, sitting around water. Most involve slimy worms, pliers, and the occasional "SET THE HOOK!". When I was younger I didn't realize it, but these times are some that I will hold close to my heart forever.

I remember being young and baiting my own hook (sometimes even baiting my brothers, shhh! Don't tell him I told you that) with a worm or minnow. Back then, and even recently, I would fish using a cork. It's the way I grew up fishing! It can be pretty boring at times. You bait the hook, cast the line, and .... sit.... and sit..... and sit... and you watch the cork as it sits on top of the water, bait dangling below. I remember feeling like I was staring a hole through my cork; thinking if I didn't take my eyes off of it, then a fish would be more likely to come by and grab onto my hook! This kind of fishing involves a lot of sitting and waiting, hence the reason we have so many funny memories. When you're sitting around waiting for a bite, you get pretty bored staring at a cork that isn't moving and you find ways to enterain yourselves and make each other laugh. So you continue to laugh, or stare at the water until you see a little bobble and feel a little tug. You give it just a second, and then you do what I believe is one of the most important steps in fishing- Daddy likes to refer to this snatching of the line up and back as "setting the hook". And when he yells "set the hook!" he doesn't mean just a tug back, he means... well I won't give out the secret to his technique... So, you've finally got one! You reel it in, cup your hand around the fishy's head, slide your hands back so those fins don't get you, then wiggle the hook free. (You can get your older sister to do this part for you as well)

This past Saturday, we pull up to our secret spot. Daddy hands me a pole with just a lure. He tells me to go ahead and throw a couple casts while he gets my pole (with a cork) ready. I don't normally fish this way. I've done it a few times, but I'm more comfortable with a bright colored ball floating on top of the water, sitting in a chair eating sunflower seeds, and just chillin! So anyways, this pole he hands me has a lure on the end. The lure doesn't float. You can't see it while it's in the water. The trick is, once your cast it out, you have to reel it back in. If you leave it out there, it doesn't do a good job of attracting fish and you'll probably be sitting all day. If you don't snag one, you throw the line back out and reel it in again. Eventually, you will catch one (maybe even the first one of the day... just saying...) I don't think I had ever caught a fish using this method before, but Saturday I did (rather quickly, actually) so I continued to use it for the rest of the afternoon. Will and I got into a small boat, paddled out and around and just hung out. We talked, laughed, and of course caught some fish! I was stunned that I was catching fish this way--I think it's my new favorite way to fish!

It must have been Monday when I was thinking back on my weekend when a thought struck me. Okay, stay with me. Some of you know I'm a girl of analogies.

I was thinking about this season of life and how I'm growing and changing in many different areas. Spiritually, emotionally, the way I relate to others, and my general outlook on life. Today I am a much more assertive person than I was 5 years ago, even 5 months ago. I am actively living life, not just sitting back watching it fly by. I am actively seeking God in my life, not just waiting for Him to drop things in my lap. I am more outgoing (well try to be) in my relationships. I try to be the person who initiates conversations or asks about other people, not just wait for them to come talk to me or ask how I am. God has changed me in many ways and continues to do so each day.

I find it fitting that I now prefer to fish with a lure (without a cork, whatever the professional terminology is). I like to think I'm more like a lure than a cork. You see, when you fish with a lure, you have to put forth effort. You throw out the line, reel it in, and repeat. It takes some work. You don't just sit staring at a cork on top of the water. You are out looking for those fish, not just waiting for them to come to you. You're taking an active role in trying to catch them. You are giving yourself better chances of catching something by covering more area. If you cast in one direction a couple times with no bite, then you simply try another direction. Rather than sitting in one spot and not moving, you are constantly bringing your line back in and throwing it out again.

So as silly as it may be, I'm thankful God uses small things to teach me big lessons. It may not mean much to you, but it meant a lot to me (to realize these things in my life). Right now, in life, you're one of the two. The cork- sitting around, just waiting for things to come to you, and missing out on so much that God has planned for you, or the lure-on the move, constantly seeking out your purpose in life and how to accomplish it. I'm sorry, but I've been the cork. It's pretty lame and boring. I don't ever want to go back to just sitting and waiting on things to happen in my life. Actively seeking out God is much more exciting and rewarding! Knowing him more and becoming more like him can only happen when you play an active role in your relationship with him. The more you seek him, the more you will find him and see him working in your life. The more time you spend with him, the more he changes your heart and makes you more like him. Maybe you don't have a relationship with Christ. Talk to someone you think may be able to help you figure those things out. Come visit us at Church Central. We meet every Sunday and we'd love to have you! Maybe you do have a relationship with Christ, but you've just been sitting on the sidelines. Wake up, get back in the game. Now is the time. Life is too short to sit around and miss out on what God is doing in your life and the ways he could be using you.

Until my next post...

All In Time

There's a poem that used to hang on the mirror of my bathroom when I was a teenage girl. It's called "Be Satisfied With Me" and if you haven't read it, you should (even if you aren't a teenager or a girl). I obviously had it hanging because at that age all you I thought about were boys, getting married, having a family, etc. It kind of started to consume my thoughts and life. So, I came across this poem somehow and put it on my mirror and read it (almost) every time I brushed my teeth, washed my face, or just stood in front of my mirror (ha!) It was a great reminder to myself that I should be satisfied in Christ first (before all things, including a boyfriend/husband/fill in the blank). I read it so much, that I'm pretty sure I have some lines memorized. It is something that meant a lot to me and has stayed with me throughout the years.

Yesterday, our church met in a different location. (For those who don't know, there was damage done to our church building by the storms we had last week.) Church was held at the BCM house across from GCSU.

I have the priviledge of helping lead worship with a group of people at Church Central. We usually practice on Sunday mornings before the service. Yesterday was no different. While waiting for the guys to get set up, I go to the restroom (homegirl drinks a lot of water). When I walk in, the very first thing I notice are the bright pink walls. As I wash my hands I look at the mirror and this is what I see..

Only the Lord (and Adam) know my heart lately. It has been heavy and hurting a little. As I re-read this poem, that I thought was only relevant at a certain time in my life, God spoke to me and reminded me that I need to stop worrying about fill in the blank. Stop being anxious. He has it all worked out for me.

"You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that’s all.

Don’t be anxious, don’t worry
Don’t look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don’t look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you."

By the end of this line, I am in tears (as I almost am now). I'm just overwhelmed. Tired even. I put so much energy into planning, thinking, and worrying about things that, in reality, I cannot control. I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself; with the fact that I often focus more on the things this world offers than what God is trying to show and teach me. All of this happens in a matter of minutes. I hear the guitar start strumming and realize I have to pull it together. I dry my tears, talk to Jesus, regroup and out the door I go.

We had an amazing service by the way. It was awesome to see a group of believers praising God, even though we were somewhere different. It didn't matter that we were in a place most of us had never been before. It didn't matter that all the logistics concerning the service were different, because God is constant. He's the same yesterday, today, and will be tomorrow. He's the same here in central Georgia and waayy up north in Ohio. He's the same in the building where we normally meet for church and the one down the street that we are using temporarily. Like we all keep saying: The church isn't a building, it's a body (group) of believers.

So maybe you're not struggling with relationship issues (as the poem intends its audience to be); maybe you are; maybe it's something else. Right now, in this season of life, for me it is something else. But, the point of the poem is still relevant. God works things out in one of two ways: the ways we hope and pray for, or some other way that is better, even if we don't see it like that at the time. However you want to look at it, I trust that the Lord will work these things out in my life and in yours. All in His time.

The Home Stretch

The night before race day. You pick out your dri fit top and make sure you have running shorts to match (well, at least I do, Fashionista much?!)... Will it be chilly enough for leggings? Make sure you have both shoes. IPod fully charged. Headphones, check. Matching headband, check (again, Diva). Set your alarm. Some even carb up at meal time, or just pig out and use that as an excuse to do so (this girl). Attempt to get a good night of sleep.
The morning of race day. Crawl out of bed. Get dressed. Gear up. Pick up your friends. Head to the race. You pull up on the scene, silently scoping out the competition, looking for people you assume will be in your age group. These are the ones you want to keep your eye on. Get in line for the porter potty, stand around in a circle and stretch or just complain about how cold and rainy it is. Then it's time. You make your way to the starting line. Some of you stay together, while others part, knowing we will meet again at the finish line. The announcer goes over all of the blah, blah, blah, stuff I don't have to worry because I won't be leading the pack and don't have to worry about the pace car. Headphones in. Jams turned up. I really didn't want to be there because honestly I haven't run in quite a while and I just wasn't feeling it (yesterday). Cold + rain, for me = a nice day to lay around in comfy clothes on my couch, not get up at 5:45, drive an hour and go run 3.1, but hey, I'm here. I might as well do my best, or at least run fast so I can hurry up and be finished! It almost seems silly to drive all that way just to run 3 miles, which seems like a warm up these days. (It hasn't always been that way for me!) Here's more on my running journey, if you're bored :) But, there's something about a race, no matter the distance, that is addictive (in the most spiritual way). The horn goes off and the race is under way....
Now, If you're a runner or have ever run a race before, you can relate to this.. there is always a point in every race where all of a sudden, you are running alone. I'm not sure how it happens. You think, "Where did all the runners go?" As you look ahead, you think "How will I ever catch up with those people?" And as you run alone, you wonder, "Where is everyone? I know they're back there somewhere." For me this happened yesterday at about the 2 mile mark. I only have about a mile left to run. My breathing is a little out of control because, like I said, it has been a while since I've run, but I start thinking to myself (and saying out loud as I sometimes do), "One mile, c'mon you can do this! This is nothing! You got it." And I start to think about how this last little bit of the race can be related to my life. (I've been doing that a lot lately) Anyways, I start thinking about how I want to finish this race. I want to do well. Because, really, when you're a runner, your competition isn't the long legged 20-something year old girl that you assume is in your age group. You aren't really there to beat her. You are racing against yourself. There's something about running that compels you to do your personal best and a rush that comes when you do (beat your previous times). I want to finish this race well, literally (on race day) and metaphorically (in life). Sometimes, during the race, it seems like your alone, tired, unsure if you can finish, not to mention finish well. As is life... spiritually, those who have a relationship with God, we go through times where we feel alone, tired, unsure if we can finish, not to mention finish well. But, it's during those times we have to remember that God is always with us, even when it doesn't feel like it. He's on our side. He's fighting for us, always. He's our cheerleader, saying, "You can do this, I've got you. I know what's up ahead. Just keep pushing and I will give you strength to take on whatever you face."
So, as all these things run through my mind, I have zoned out, and before I know it, I'm close to the finish. With only a few tenths of a mile left, I pull out my headphones and am now audibly encouraging myself (and the man beside me) "You're right there. Push. You've got this." To my surprise, he starts saying, "C'mon girl, we've got this. Let's go." The finish line is in sight. The clock reads 27:15. Say whaaa? I exclaim (to my stranger man racing buddy), "Oh my gosh, my best time!" We finish together. High fives. I'm pumped. Runner's high for sure. (You get this if you are a runner)
Anyways, I'm not sure if there has been a clear point to this post, but lastly I will say this... As I run my best time (27:27), ever, for the short amount of time I have called myself a runner, I come away with a few thoughts. In life, I want to do my best. I want to put my efforts and energy into things that matter, things that will have weight in eternity. I want to invest in things that will last, not things that will be blown or washed away. When the road I'm going down seems long and endless, I will remember that there is a great God who is on my side. He is cheering me on. He is my strength, my comfort and my peace. He is enough. He is my all. I want to finish well and as long as I keep my eyes focused on him, I will.
Until my next post...