Before Life Changes

I woke up early this morning and couldn't fall back asleep for hours. For whatever reason, through all the chaos going on in my brain, I remembered that our "engagement anniversary" (no, this is not something we celebrate and I only remember the date because it is documented on Facebook) was either yesterday or today. When I checked the date, I realized that it was yesterday. Five years ago yesterday. We both made a decision that changed our lives.

 

At 3:45 (a.m.) I could not get my mind to stop turning. I couldn't stop thinking about all that has happened since September 14, 2009. I started looking through all of my pictures on Facebook and re-living each memory-all the way back from high school when we first started dating. It was actually a sweet time as we are about to have a baby girl and life is going to forever change for us.

 

I can't help but think about how young we were; how much we thought we knew (but really didn't); the things we thought we had figured out. At 20 and 21 years old, we were just kids! We didn't have a clue about marriage and how to "make it work". We didn't know what we were doing! He wasn't even legal (ha)! We really had no idea how much we would have to figure out. We had no idea how hard the first year or so would be (we both agree--it wasn't exactly a fairy tale). We just knew we had each other and that was all that really mattered. We knew we would make it work, one way or another.

 

A week away from my due date, I'm starting to see a parallel. At 24 and 25, I'm sure we don't have as much figured out as we think we do! We are still young. We have no idea what we're doing when it comes to parenting. I'm sure the first year or so will be hard. It will be new and different. Lots of things will change, just like they did after we got married. We thought we knew each other, and we did, but being married, you learn so much more about someone. I'm sure once we become parents, the same will apply. Life won't just be about "us" anymore. It will also be about our little girl. I can't even imagine how much will change, but I don't doubt that we will figure it out as we go. We will learn what it means to be "Mommy and Daddy" just like we learned how to be husband and wife. In a matter of minutes, life will forever change. A part of me is scared I won't remember "us" and what we were like before baby. A part of me has forgotten what it was like before I was pregnant (believe me, life changes)! I'm sure I will remember and some things may not change much, but just in case, I'm writing this.

 

Right now, we come and go as we please. We can up and go out of town if we want to with no real planning except getting a bag together and making sure the dogs are taken care of. Every night could be date night. The only thing we have to take care of are the dogs and each other-all of which are rather low maintenance. We get uninterrupted sleep each night. We can sit in silence if we want. We can simply walk out of the house whenever we want. Whenever we're home together, we always have the others undivided attention.We know if we want to go anywhere, it takes me about an hour to get ready and then we're off!

I know I will miss these days; just like I miss the days of dating.

Things changed when we got married and things will change when our baby is born.

We are both pretty excited though! We can't wait to meet Ava and see what she's like. I don't think it will be easy, but somehow we will make it work.

Before we talked (seriously) about getting engaged, it clicked for me: There was no one else that I'd want to go through life with. There was no one else that I'd want to learn and grow with. Honestly, there were probably not many other guys who could deal with me (but really). I know that I got a good one! He's been a great husband so far and I know he's going to be an amazing daddy!

So as we live these "last days" of just us, I am trying to soak up and enjoy every moment of it.... before life changes!

When Life Isn't Pinteresting

I don't think there's anyone out there who hasn't at least heard of Pinterest.

Urban Dictionary defines Pinterest as: a social networking site that allows you to figuratively "pin" pictures of your likes/interests in a simple, organized fashion

OR as I recently heard it (more accurately) described in a message by Steven Furtick:
A visually-driven social media platform strategically designed for non-stop, 24 hour a day, seven day a week reminders that your kids are not as well dressed as your neighbor's kids, your home is decorated like crap, the pictures you take on your own phone are comparatively artless, you did a terrible job planning your own wedding, and that you live a generally tedious, monotonous, painfully dull existence that is slowly draining the life out of you, unlike everyone else in your life whose lives are categorically awesome at all times.

It's true. Everything on Pinterest is picture perfect.

For example, Pinterest:














Reality:

There is a whole website dedicated to "Pinterest fails". I think this definitely makes the cut. As you see, there are no sticks in my "pops". That's because the Oreo broke every time I tried to put the stick in. Yes, I tried different techniques.

While making these "pops" I thought, this is my life right now. These horrible looking Oreos sitting on my counter are my reality and this picture-perfect-Pinterest picture I'm looking at is the image I'm portraying.

For those who don't know, I'm about 8 months pregnant. Being pregnant is something that I have wanted for a long time. You know those people who claim to love being pregnant so much? Yeah, I'm not one of those people. Let's just be honest... (guys who may be reading, for whatever reason, and think women "just shouldn't talk about some things", you might want to click the X in the top right corner. It's about to get "un-lady-like". And this is my blog, so I can pretty much say whatever I want! Don't say I didn't warn you) ... as I was saying-- from throwing up, to gas, constipation, occasional leaks of pee, having to pee all the time (when you haven't peed on yourself), along with swelling, aches, pains, and general discomfort, oh! I forgot strange cravings, feeling like you could eat the whole house, but not having enough space in your tummy because that little bundle is taking up all the room, and then heartburn/reflux that feels like lava could spill out of your mouth at any minute..... you're still reading?! Sorry, I'm supposed to be talking about all the wonderful things about being pregnant. I got a little off track! Those are just a few of the things I've experienced during this pregnancy (TMI as it may be, it's true. Sorry), not to mention all of the emotional changes that have been WAY worse than the physical changes, at least for me!

Honestly, being pregnant is not always an enjoyable thing, again, at least in my case. I can't explain how guilty I have felt for feeling this way while being pregnant. My husband and I prayed for this little baby for a long time before she finally came about (and don't think my sweet hubby hasn't had to remind me of that a few times throughout the pregnancy!).

Looking back on the past 30 weeks, I feel bad for not "enjoying" every second of it. I feel ungrateful. I feel selfish. Because I remember the longing to get pregnant and become a momma. I remember reading facebook statuses from girls who were pregnant and thinking, I don't care if I throw up every single day, I just want to be pregnant! And I know there are tons of women out there who feel that exact same way. You'd do anything just to create life and become a parent. To all of those women, I apologize. I said I would never take a day of being pregnant for granted, but I have. I said I would never complain, but I (definitely) have.

Aside from all of those things, I mostly feel like a fake (well at least for the past month or so). Because, if I'm being honest, it has not been all sunshine and rainbows. I know, I know. The cute selfies on instagram and all the sweet comments about how precious my bump is, the amazing maternity pictures my soon to be sis in law *eek!* took of us on the beach--adorable. I know! But around 24 weeks something changed. Up to this point, I guess you could say I had enjoyed being pregnant. I wasn't overly happy all the time, but I wasn't sad about it either. I was somewhere in the middle.

Around 24 weeks, everything changed. I turned into a crazy woman (yes, I was kind of crazy already). Blame it on hormones or whatever you want, but I did not feel like myself. That's really the best way I can describe it. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel the "glow" everyone talks about. I thought if one more person told me how cute, beautiful, or gorgeous I was, I might punch them in the face--not because I didn't agree or want to hear those things, but because the outside didn't match the inside. The inside was ugly. Very ugly. And I couldn't understand why. Again, I just didn't feel like myself. I cried. A lot. About anything (oh I sometimes still do!). And when I didn't cry about it, I felt like crying about it, but I just held it in (don't do this--it just makes things worse). I didn't want to talk to anyone about the pregnancy. I didn't want to talk about my bump or how Ava was doing. I didn't want to answer the question, "How are you feeling" because every time it was asked, I thought I might lose it and burst into tears. It didn't make sense! I was supposed to be happy! I was supposed to be loving life. Everything was supposed to be... perfect.

This picture got over 40 "likes" on instagram.

Do you want to know the truth? Not even 5 minutes after taking this picture, I was sobbing in my bathroom. In fact, I walked in the door after church with tears in my eyes, but remembered I needed to take a bump picture. So, I pushed the tears away for a few minutes, took this selfie and then went into my bathroom and cried. Why, you might ask? Well, that's the thing about being pregnant, you don't have to have a reason. I don't even know why I was crying. I guess I was just tired of not feeling like myself and I was tired of being tired. I just remember thinking about how fake that "smile" was in the picture I just took, which in turn made me cry more!


 Let's take a look at some of my maternity pictures. They look so.... pinteresting, so picture perfect!

 

Don't you agree? This album has over 60 "likes" on Facebook. People have even told me to put these on Pinterest...how fitting :)

The truth? It was a million degrees outside and let's just say Adam and I did some pretending! Smiles that faded seconds after the camera clicked, looks of frustration that disappeared as soon as we were in place for the next picture, yeah I know. I'm sorry that I just busted the bubble of perfection that each picture portrays. It doesn't take away from the beauty of each picture, but he and I (along with Will and Carlie) will always know the truth behind those smiles! Sure, we look back on it even now and laugh at how silly it all was, but the perfection portrayed is simply fake. The happiness (at that exact moment)-fake. The smiles-fake. We did good, right?!

So, here I am with my Oreos. Frustrated because I can't make reality match the picture. So what do I do? What can I do? How can I make things better? Well, sadly, I can't. Adam can't. My mama can't. My friends can't. So, I do the only thing I know that's left to do (sadly, most times, when all else fails) I talk to God about it. I give myself a dose of perspective (then take another dose from a good friend). I remember how much of a blessing this process is and I think about the last month that I've wasted letting emotions, hormones, Satan, or whatever else overcome me and steal my joy. I give all the pieces of my mess to the One who can put them back together. I ask for forgiveness for forgetting about Him during this new season of life. Surely since he was with me through the storm, he wants to be with me on the mountain top, but somehow I had left him behind....not long after reading the word "Pregnant" on that test I took January 18th, I'm sure. It wasn't a deliberate choice. It was more like a slow transition, each day growing further apart.

I swore I wouldn't forget about his goodness and love. I wouldn't stop praising him once we were blessed with a baby. But, at some point, I did.

The truth is I still need Him just as much today, almost 30 weeks pregnant, as I did this time last year when I only dreamt about the day I'd be 30 weeks pregnant.

So, I apologize to everyone for the past couple of weeks. I apologize for portraying something that wasn't truly me.

I got upset about something last night and as tears fell down my face I looked at my phone and thought "Why don't I take a selfie right now and post it to IG with the hashtag 'truelife', 'reality', or something similar?!" And I almost did it.

I'm thankful that He takes my mess of Oreos and turns them into something Pinteresting, something perfect. In Him, I am a new creation. In Him, I have life abundantly.

I've found true joy again, so hopefully my pictures can portray more of a reality. I just forgot where it could be found in the haze of hormones there for a little while. True joy only comes from knowing Jesus. He is always there, even when life isn't Pinteresting!

Being A Worrier

I've always been a worrier. The things that I worry about are almost always things I have no control over. When I was younger, and sometimes still, my heart would flutter and feel like it was skipping. At times, I had myself convinced that it would just stop beating and that I would die. At one point, many years ago, I even saw a doctor and had an EKG done. I know, you're thinking I'm crazy, but at the time, it seemed like a legitimate fear and sometimes it still causes me anxiety (which in turn causes more heart "palpitations").

I have gone through times where every little 'symptom' led to a life-threatening (self) diagnosis. Those random headaches may be followed by an aneurysm or could be signs of a tumor. Abdominal pain must mean that something needs to be removed. Small nodules might be cancerous.

I have (somewhat) grown out of the stage where I stress over every little headache or stomach ache, but every now and then those thoughts creep back up on me.

Just because I don't worry about those same things doesn't mean I don't worry at all. I do my best to just live life and trust that God will get me through whatever comes, but sometimes that is easier said than done.

My pregnancy for example. After finally getting pregnant, the initial excitement wore off a little and worry started to creep in. What if there was no heartbeat at our first visit to the doctor? What if we heard the heartbeat the first time but then didn't the second time? I wonder if that cramping is normal. What if I woke up one morning with blood everywhere? I won't lie. Every trip to the bathroom was a reminder of this fear. Always checking for the slightest sign of spotting. And each time I was so worried that this fear may become a reality.

Anxiety started to take over and for the first five to ten weeks I was almost convinced that I would miscarry. Well, I wouldn't have been surprised if I did (I know, a poor example of living by faith). I think part of me didn't want to get my hopes up. I justify this lack of faith by calling it "being a realist". For the longest time I didn't want to let myself believe that I may actually deliver this baby. I thought something would more than likely go wrong, and sometimes those thoughts still run through my mind.

After 12 weeks, which isn't a magic number, I breathed a sigh of relief that so far, I had no signs of miscarriage.

Next comes the mid-pregnancy worry. The "big" ultrasound where they check to make sure everything is looking good with baby. Some couples receive good news and others are faced with difficult news. We go tomorrow for our 20-week ultrasound! Surprisingly I haven't worried much about this one. I'm actually super excited!!!

I have worried about "kick counts" before I even felt her moving around. Meaning I worried about the future when I will count kicks. What if one day I don't feel her as much or at all?

I haven't worried much since 13-14 weeks, but today a new fear struck me. That of stillbirth (which can occur up to a woman's delivery).

Today this fear just overwhelmed me. I was brought to tears. I haven't had this much anxiety since early on in the pregnancy when I worried about miscarrying. It was like the beginning of my pregnancy all over again. Just like I did then, I had to remind myself of a few things:

There will always be something to worry about, if I choose to do so.

Even if I only worry about Ava, there will always be something.

I will could worry about her health and safety during delivery.

I will could worry about SIDS when she's a newborn.

I will could worry about her sleeping in her crib.

I will could worry when I leave her with other people.

I will could worry when she becomes more independent (crawling, walking, riding a bike)

I will could worry on her first day of school.

I will could worry when she starts to drive.

I could go on and go and I'm sure there's lots to worry about in between all that I've listed, but I can't control any of these things.

I went back and struck out all the "will"s to "could"s. It was actually very freeing to do this simple thing. It's a reminder that worrying is a choice. And it will consume you if you allow it to.

Maybe you worry about something different. Maybe you're like me and are easily worried. Or maybe you are more of the "I know I can't control it, so I don't worry" type. All of us worriers are jealous of you!

Here are a few more things I reminded myself of today. Of course if you are a person of faith, these will hit home with you:

God is the creator of life. "I have knit Ava. I am forming her. I have ordained each of her days." 

There is nothing that surprises God. "For I know the plans I have for Ava.."

God is good. Always.

He is with me. Always.

I can choose to worry. Or I can choose to trust that He will carry me through each day, no matter what it brings.

I have to remind myself of these things daily and sometimes hourly in order to keep from going crazy. As if worrying will somehow stop any of my fears from happening.

So, today, in my anxiety and fear, I am reminded of my lack of faith. I am reminded of my need for Jesus. And I am so thankful for all that He means to me. Without him, I would fall apart. When I try to live without him, I do fall apart! So, whatever it is you've been worrying about, first take it to God in prayer. And try to leave it with him. It may be difficult at first, but the more you pray about it and try to intentionally refocus your thoughts, the easier it will become (I didn't say how long this may take!) I know this works because I have done it before with other worries of mine. And now I have another one to practice with!

On a much less spiritual note: Google is not your friend. Whether you are pregnant or not, do not Google strange 'symptoms'. Before you know it, you will be self-diagnosing and worrying even more.

I hope you seek out the only one who is able to give peace that passes all understanding. He is the only answer I can give to help you with your worry!

Her Legacy

We took what might have been our last trip to Alabama yesterday. After 89 years, my Nanny passed away.

 

We have been going to Cullman, Alabama (a place not many have heard of) since before I can remember. 

I have many sweet memories with family there. I will always remember, as a kid, roaming the pasture, exploring the caves, jumping hay bales and climbing that magnolia tree.

 

The past few days have been "bittersweet", probably my least favorite word. I have cried over the loss of my Nanny. I have cried because she will never hold my sweet baby. I have cried because our kids will never have the memories of "Alabama" like I do. I have cried because death and change are never easy to deal with.

 

The only thing that brings me comfort, besides knowing God is holding me through this hard time, is knowing that He now holds my Nanny. She knew Jesus and what it meant to follow Him. And this gives me great peace. She will spend eternity with her Savior and one day I will join her. Yesterday, some said goodbye to Nanny, but me, I just said I'll see you later.

 

None of this changes the fact that my heart is aching, but the peace that comes from God overwhelms those feelings of grief. Selfishly, I wish she were still here, but deep down I know this isn't a time of sadness, but of celebration.

 

My Nanny's death didn't come as a surprise and she knew where she would be forever once she left this earth. What about you? When will your time come? To where will you go? Will He hold you? I hope you'll seek out answers to these questions and find out who Jesus is and what that can mean for you.

 

I love you Nanny! You have left a legacy that is far more than you could've imagined and by a simple decision you made at some point in your life-to trust Jesus as your Lord and Savior. In the end, this decision was the only one that mattered-- not what job you chose, how many kids you had, where you lived, who you knew, how much money you had, what kind of clothes you wore, what car you drove-- none of those things mattered. At your service no one talked about those things. We all talked about where you are spending eternity and I'm thankful that you made that clear for us! The seeds of your faith are deeply rooted in your grandchildren and great-grandchildren and I can't imagine the blessing that was to you while you were here.

 

I hope you didn't squeeze anyone too hard when you were giving out hugs in heaven! For me it's not goodbye, it's see you later. And as sad as I am that you're gone, I am thankful that He holds you, healed and restored.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCV3j1QrQ8s 

 

Even In The Waiting

I have thought about how to word this post and what to say for a while now. I never came up with anything, so I'm just going to see what happens! (Warning: It is long, but my prayer is that you or someone you know finds it encouraging. I could write a book on my experience and some day I might, but this is a very condensed version of my story.)

I want you to know that the news of our pregnancy was not shared without first thinking about a few people--the people who are wondering what is taking so long to get pregnant, the people who are taking fertility treatments in hopes of getting pregnant, and the people who have been diagnosed as 'infertile'. I don't know who you are, but I thought about you all before I shared my news. And this post is for you!

I was once in your shoes. I thought "if I see ONE more post about someone being pregnant, I am going to LOSE it!" I was jealous of those girls. Sometimes I even got mad. I "liked" photos that I really hated and I commented with half-hearted "Congrats". I'm just being honest. When I posted ours news on Facebook, I didn't want to be one of those people that other women hated or were jealous of (or maybe I'm the only psycho who has felt like this). I wanted to post my picture with the status "I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND I AM SORRY IF THIS HURTS YOU!" and I would have meant every word.

I understand that pregnancy is not an easy thing for everyone. My husband and I tried for almost a year--this may not be as long as some of you have been trying, but I think everyone who has trouble getting pregnant reaches a point where they feel hopeless. And I know that feeling all too well.

I came off BC in September of 2012. We started 'really' trying in January of 2013. At first, things started out stress free and I thought "I hope things stay this way. I don't want to track this and that and go by a schedule. I won't be one of those crazy women." But one month after another the answer was the same-not pregnant. And before long, I became what I had set out not to become. I did what I had set out not to do. And I felt like a crazy woman. At the time, I thought I was doing what I should, but looking back, all of the tracking and planning just caused more stress and worry.

At one point, I wasn't sure if I'd ever conceive on my own or at all. By September of 2013, I had lost hope. The smallest things made me cry and I was an emotional wreck to say the least. Some days I didn't even want to face the day. It didn't help that only a few people knew we were trying. To everyone else, I had to put on a fake happy face and act like everything was okay. I couldn't tell anyone about the ache in my heart because I couldn't stand one more "it will happen in God's time".

I just wanted to be a momma, was that so much to ask? Satan didn't waste any opportunities to knock me down and convince me I was broken. I even believed that other girls were "more spiritual" or "had their lives together" and that's why they were pregnant and I wasn't. There were a few people I found out were pregnant who hadn't been trying and the devil said, "See, even they can get pregnant and you can't." And every time I felt myself being knocked down lower and lower into this pit that I felt like I couldn't escape. This worry and anxiety and yearning for something that I couldn't make happen started to consume me and I had to fight every single day to believe that my God still loved me and still heard the literal cries of my heart.

I don't see how people make it through life without faith and a relationship with Christ. Without God, especially this past year, I don't see how I would have survived without going into depression--and I'm being dead serious. God's love for me was the only thing that gave me joy some days. And other days I questioned if it was enough.

By October, I was tired and so over trying for a baby. I was frustrated, angry, and just over it. I had finally accepted the possible reality: Adam and I may never have kids of our own. As much as it hurt to accept this possible reality, I had decided that God was still good, He was still in control, and He would always be enough for me.

Towards the end of October, I attended Women of Faith that was 'coincidentally' themed "Believe God Can Do Anything". One speaker, Liz Higgs, spoke specifically about barren women in the Bible for her entire time. And I thought to myself, God, I could be the only one in this arena right now because I feel like you're talking directly to me. Of course, I'm not that special and I'm sure many women were struggling with getting pregnant just like me! She reminded us that "God loves barren women: Rachel, Sarah, Elizabeth" and "In you barren-ness of life, God is getting ready to do a miracle." Well, she said it herself. I had considered myself 'barren' and now God was going to give me my miracle! I felt like I had had faith. I had believed God could do anything, but for some reason, I was still not pregnant. I supposed that all I could do was wait and keep trusting that God was doing something that I couldn't understand.

By the end of December, the end of the year had come. All I wanted for Christmas was a baby and I still didn't have one. On December 22nd I journaled: "Today I am very frustrated. I feel like I'm on the verge of a break down! I feel like I've surrendered. I've waited. I've trusted. I've grown. I've waited some more. I've depended on Him. God, I don't know what else you want from me! I don't know what else to do." And then I wrote out the lyrics to a song that I listened to quite often in this season of waiting and hopelessness- "Reason to Sing" by All Sons and Daughters. I wrote out these lyrics because they were exactly how I felt that day (and many days prior). I know this post is getting lengthy, but I want to include some of those lyrics:

When I'm overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I'm afraid I might let go
I'm afraid I might let go
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing

When I thought about 2014, I didn't know how I could face another year like the one I had just had. But somehow, the peace that only God gives, reassured me that He would hold onto me and that He would help me through.

On Saturday, January 18th, I woke up early and laid in bed wide awake. I decided to go take a test because I hadn't in a while and by now I was used to the "NOs".

When the word "pregnant" popped up on that little test, I think I could've jumped through my roof! I just kept shaking my head side to side as if I didn't believe what I was reading and saying, "Oh my God! Oh my God!" And I was sincerely crying out to Him with a thankful heart.

Adam had taken Nyquil so he was still knocked out in bed. I paced my bathroom and finally walked into my closet where I fell to my knees and sobbed....and sobbed. And I thanked God for this miracle that had finally come. I couldn't even talk to God. I had no words. But my heart overflowed with thankfulness and my tears said it all.

I know that all stories don't have the "happy ending" that this one does--for a while I wasn't sure mine would either. So, if you are waiting and wondering why it is taking so long to get pregnant, or if you have been diagnosed as "infertile", I don't have any magic words to say that will take all your pain and worry away. I can only reassure you that I and many women out there can relate to your pain. And I am so sorry that you are having to experience it. I hope and pray that God does bless you with that baby that you so desire, but the truth is I can't guarantee it. No one can. And the uncertainty is what I hated most. I tear up as I type this because I remember that pain. I remember wondering if I would ever have a baby. I remember wondering "Why me, God? Why is this so difficult for me?" and the only answer I've come up with so far is that maybe, somehow my story can give hope and encouragement to women going through the same thing. There are women out there who have been diagnosed with infertility, who will never conceive on their own, and I can only imagine the faith that these women have. To those women, whom I feel I have no place to even give advice, I hope you know you aren't broken. I read somewhere during my time of waiting that "Sometimes God's power is shown as much in preventing things as it is in making them happen. We may never know why, but we can always (know) and trust the Who." I hope this gives you peace, wherever you are in your journey to motherhood.

I hope that you know Jesus because, although He doesn't always give us all the answers, He does make it a lot easier to get through difficult times. Without Him, I have no hope. Without Him, I have no joy. Without Him, I have no peace. Without Him, I couldn't have made it through 2013 and my time of waiting. So please, find out more about what this relationship with Jesus can mean for you. Ask someone that you trust to help you answer any questions you may have.

I hope that if you don't know Him, you'll find Him, and then you'll follow Him.
He is always good.
He is always enough.
Even in the waiting.



Please share if you or someone you know is struggling with getting pregnant or a season of waiting.

The Post I Never Posted

This was a post I wrote on December 29th, but never posted. I did not know that I was pregnant at the time.

When I think back over the past year, there's so much I could share. There have been many struggles and victories, tears and laughter, days where I didn't know if I'd make it through and days where I felt like I could conquer the world. 

I have never fought as hard to believe God's word as I have this past year. There were days where I had to fight to believe His promises. There were days where I had to fight to believe His grace was enough because, honestly, I didn't always 'feel' like it was. There were days where I didn't know how much longer I could keep fighting to believe the things that I didn't feel to be true. And there were days where I was tired of fighting, so I just rested. I rested in His arms and let Him a carry me. He was faithful every time. There were days where I felt like I was all alone in this fight, like no one could possibly understand how I feel, but God reminded me every time that he was right there with me. The times I couldn't feel Him near was when he was the closest.

Before this year, I did not truly know what it means to fight for faith. But as I go into 2014, I am much closer to a God who adores me. I know what it means to have faith because God has grown my faith tremendously over the past year. I have gained perspective on many different things. I have learned (and am still learning) what it means to wait on God and to trust Him even when He doesn't give me what I want when I want it. I've realized that God may never give me some of the things I pray for, but I have decided that I will praise Him anyway. I'm learning that His ways are not my ways and I can't always understand the 'whys' of life. 

The truth is that Adam and I spent 2013 trying for a baby. As of December 29th God has still not blessed us in that way. There have been days where I've struggled with the reality of that. Some days I bless His name and others I cry out in anger and frustration. Again, some days I think I can conquer whatever comes my way and other days the smallest things make me feel defeated. I don't share this with you so that you will feel sorry for me or ask me how I'm doing every time you see me. I don't share this to give you something to add to your list of small town gossip. The only reason I'm sharing this is to show you, all of you, that I serve a great big God. He is good and that is the answer to all my 'whys'. No, it doesn't make sense to me, but I don't have to understand it all, because He is good. His love is enough. His grace is enough. And on the days where I don't feel like those things are true, I declare them to be true. I claim that they are true and I choose to believe that they are true. "Doubt is an emotion. Belief is a choice." (Angie Smith)

My circumstances do not define who God is and even if he doesn't bless us with a child, we cannot deny that he has blessed us in other ways. We have so much to be thankful for. I've learned that this is the secret to being content in all circumstances. When I reflect on all that God has given me and done for me, I can't help but feel blessed.

2013 has been a year of faith, trust, and learning what it means to fully depend on God. The well-known lyrics of "Oceans" have been my prayer many days this year. I have learned what it means to depend on God for many different things. I've learned what it means to need to the Lord- not just say that I need Him, but actually, really NEED Him.

As we welcome 2014, I would be lying if I said I'm not a little fearful. Of course, I wonder if I will have to endure another year like this one, but God didn't fail me in 2013 and I don't believe He will in 2014. In fact, I told a good friend the other day: It scares me a little to think of what this next year may bring, but I'm trying to rest in the fact that it's in God's hands. I know he will take care of us because he is faithful. However this works out is for my good and I choose to believe  that.

I don't know what this next year will hold. Maybe God will see it fit to bless us with a baby, maybe he won't. "The most important aspect of all of this is to know what God's calling is in (my) life, and understand who I am in Christ, not what I hoped I would be." I hope to one day be a mommy, maybe not even to children that I conceive, but despite whether or not this ever happens, I will always be a daughter of God. I am His and that is where I will always find my identity.

As fearful as I may be at times, I'm ready for 2014 because I know God's not done with me yet.

After Four Years

There's been a lot I've wanted to blog about lately. I haven't posted since December of last year (I know, only about two months ago). But, there has been a lot going on.

Anyways, today is mine and Adam's four year anniversary! Some days I wonder how we've made it four years (married). Other days I wish time would freeze.

We're no longer considered "newlyweds" and, for some reason, this makes me sad. I have always known we wouldn't stay young teens forever, but some days that life seems so much easier. And some days I miss it.
No house to keep clean (not that ours stays spotless).
No bills to pay.
No cares in the world. Our only worry being what kind of date we'd go on the next weekend.
Riding around in a jacked up truck.
Holding his hand as tight as I could because I knew that, soon, I'd have to be home.

Last weekend we went to the movies. While we were sitting there waiting for it to start, we saw two young couples walk in. They couldn't have been 15 or 16. The two girls came in giggling about every little thing and the two boys wore shy smiles. I looked at him with a pouty face and said, "I want to be young again!". He just smiled, knowing what I meant.

Young love. So cliché, but if you've experienced it, you know what I mean! It's careless, sometimes wreckless, and even fearless.

I do miss those days, but I'm thankful for different days. Not better or worse. Just different.

These days I don't have to squeeze his hand because (as long as God allows) I get to hold it anytime I want. These days we don't have to go ride in a truck to be around each other. Some days we need a break from each other! These days I find myself getting that "young love" feeling in the most unexpected ways at the most unexpected times.

We thought we knew what love was back then. I think we did, in a way. As we've gotten older (you might say we are that old, but we started dating at 15), we've learned that love isn't an emotion. It's not something we're always going to feel. But it is a choice. And, up to this point, it's a choice we've made each day-to love each other no matter what. By the way, that's not always an easy choice to make.

So, after four years of marriage:
I have let go of how the world says my marriage should look.
I have realized that everyday is not a fairytale, but some days come close.
I have realized that the reality of (my) marriage is far better than that of anything Nicholas Sparks could have written. Not perfect. Not always "romantic". But, much better.
I have learned to love the man I married for who he is; not who I think he should be.
I have learned that neither of us is perfect. We will both mess up. Forgiveness is key.
I have learned that it takes way more patience to love me that it does to love him.

I must confess: the name of my blog is a huge lie. Well, a partial lie. I do "babble" a lot on my blog, but it's not always from a "blissful" bride. Every day is not bliss, but I'm okay with that.

A new name for my blog has been in the works for a while now. I've been throwing around some ideas and I think I'm going to change it soon.

If you haven't heard, we're going to have a BABY in September! I have been wanting to blog about this since before we announced it, so that will be my next post!

Until then...